I could hardly keep my eyes open at work today. This is a worry because it signals to me that there is something deep going on internally. Tiredness is a form of resistance and sooner or later that resistance is going to end and I will come through whatever darkness this is. This tiredness indicates to me that there is something that is trying to come through to my consciousness to be healed that I am resisting. The last time I felt this kind of tiredness I had an amazing insight into how I was resisting power. All of us by virtue of how we are made are powerful. Nelson Mandela said at his inaugural speech for president in 1994 'it is our light, not our darkness that frightens us'. Deep down we all know how powerful we are and it is this knowing but not accepting that causes me to be tired. I assert that if resistance was not inherent in the human condition that there would be no such thing as tired. These days I am tired and so I am asking myself gently and patiently 'what are you resisting'. And now I wait.....
I decided not to get up early this morning in case the tiredness is really of a body being pushed too hard. That is why this blog will be shorter. I think it's worthwhile spending time on writing about the importance of being with tiredness. Not to immediately write it off as having 'overdone it'. There is a very important message in tiredness. In the past I used to be so tired in the evenings. I couldn't study or work past 6pm. When I started this education I am such a stand for I could barely keep my eyes open at the evening training sessions. But I pushed through the tiredness and the strong thoughts telling me not to go. I mentioned to someone how I was always so tired. She said to me 'why are you afraid of power'. This baffled me because I thought that I wasn't. Confusion is also another sign of resistance. Being confused prevents seeing things as they really are. Going home that night I thought about what she said. Two days later in the morning I had an insight and knew exactly what was going on.
I pretended I didn't want power when the truth was that I did and the pretence was pulling me apart and making me tired. I saw the root of this conflict and the decision I had made as a young child that 'power was bad' and I gave it up. Since then and up to now I have not had any tiredness no matter what time I go to bed. All of the trapped energy that was caught up maintaining that pretence has been freed to create something else. That is why I am going to be with this tiredness and not fight it because I know that there is something big on the other side of this resistance that is showing itself as 'tired'.
My Italian friend who looked after me when I had my operation on my foot came over to me. Her friend has written a children's book in Italian and she wanted to translate it into English. It was a lovely story about three friends, Monkey, Lion and Little Elephant who hate performing in a circus and their efforts to break free. Reading it I was reminded just how much the simple and uncomplicated appeals to me.
I have my seminar session this evening and I haven't been making unreasonable requests from people. Maybe this is at the route of my tiredness. The conflict that there is with me when I say I will do something and then I don't do it. But I suffer only because I make this significant. It's not a difficult assignment yet I am resisting it so much. I am resisting it because of how badly I take 'no'. I take it personally and the whole purpose of this exercise is to be OK with a 'no' to realise that both the request and whether it is accepted or not is empty and meaningless and just to play with making unreasonable requests. But these requests have to be reasonable in that they do not cause offence, and are do-able. They are aimed at taking me out of my comfort zone - a zone I am so reluctant to leave as seen by how excessively tired I am.
It is important to free up the trapped energy that is around being tired. Energy when it is trapped is not free to create. This is why so many lives appear to go around in circles. The same patterns are repeated. These could be work or relationship patterns. For a little while in a new job it can seem different and then one day there is the awful dawning 'this job/relationship is the same as the others'. Without realising the possibility of trapped energy resigned and cynical sets in which traps the energy still further. At least with resistance the energy is flowing, with resigned and cynical it is stagnant. Only free energy can create. For us as humans there is so much energy trapped in our thought patterns, the obsession with me and mine, and behavior habits that there isn't much free energy to create.
Today why not take an area which seems to be a bit stuck and look deeply at the thought patterns you have around why it is that way. See if you can shift your thinking and in that shift trapped energy will be freed. Then notice whether or not there is anything different about the day. This is just a small exercise but it is effective. A miracle is nothing but a shift of perception seeing the familiar in a new and powerful way....it's not about changing or making anything more better or different.....
Now I'm running late for work.......
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2 comments:
Are you getting enough sleep?
Carrying on your one-man struggle against a spiritually ignorant world is bound to be tiring, don't you think? You say you have abandoned gurus. You are happy to be taught in other ways, through books, DVDs and public lectures, but not to follow an individual. This is fine, in that it prevents your being exposed to the kinds of mistreatment you have described earlier, but at the same time in going it alone you have cut off any form of support for the task you think is most important. That would tire anyone out. If you want to press on with this, try to get some support that you can trust.
The main reason for getting into this situation is your reliance on intuition as a kind of guide. Instead of another person acting as your compass, you have your intuition. Intuition isn't enough.
What I said before about Asperger's, I still think is true. Make an appointment. If it turns out to be false, no harm done (and you will have learned something). If it turns out to be true, you will be better prepared to understand yourself.
What can I write about this comment. In answer to your first question, yes I am getting enough sleep. Thank you for your concern.
As I have already written tiredness has nothing to do with not getting enough sleep and everything to do with resistance. Yes I was very tired but I knew to stay with it, not to wish it away but to be OK with it as it is. To give that acceptance so that the source of the resistance could rise to the surface. This is what has happened and as a result I am not tired anymore.
I take your point about an external reference point in the form of a teacher. Many years ago I was involved with a Buddhist group. However I had an uneasy feeling about the man who headed up the organisation. I was looking for the Buddhist qualities of wisdom and compassion. What he delighted in doing was to put his students down and humiliate them.
I understand that the job of the guru is to do what I am trying to do through this blog albeit somewhat clumsily. It is to show how it is our obsession with 'me and mine' and seeing others as separate to ourselves that is at the root of all suffering.
I didn't feel comfortable with this kind of teacher and so I left. I was to return and leave 3 more times before I finally left for good (I had been there 9 years!). So strong was the pull from everything else I was learning.
It was a lonely time when I left and oftentimes I berated my ego for not being as subservient as the others. The others were obedient, I was discerning. I don't believe that obedience brings spiritual liberation and enlightenment. Only an enquiring mind with accompanying humility brings this.
A couple of years later I heard that this organisation had folded up and its leader had been allegedly accused of abuse. I thought back to those students who had given everything to him only to have it abused.
I resolved there and then that I would not take a teacher in this way. I was my own teacher. Everything that is there to be known is within me. Why would I look to an external figure for answers that lie within myself.
I have a teacher. That teacher is the education I am doing and will continue to do. It is a teacher because it is revealing things to me that have been hidden from my view. This is the same as a physical teacher would do. I don't want to attach myself to one school. Spirit wants to flow not be trapped in one dogma or another.
I have gone all these years without having a diagnosis of Asperger's. It is only me that has known that something is not quite right. I'm much freer around it these days. Today I was explaining how I made pictures from things that are said to me.
However I did some research and found a Diagnostics centre for Autism and Asperger's in Southern England. There is no definite test that will determine definitely whether or not I have Asperger's. The process is a 2 hour interview and then I am given a written report.
The lady I spoke to was very interesting. She explained that referral to the centre has always been through the National Health Service. However in recent years and due to an increase in demand from 'normal' people they have had to offer a private service. They have criteria for those they accept privately. These are: the person has to be in full time employment, feel normal, but also know that there's something that's different. I ticked all those boxes.
But it's expensive which is why I am not going to do it. If it was an objective verifiable test then I would be more keen. But an interview, I don't have much faith in that as a diagnostic tool.
The lady suggested I speak to the GP and see if she would give me a referral to the centre through the usual channels. I have made that appointment for next Friday morning.....
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