It is not possible to do intense energy work of the kind I did last Wednesday and Thursday with the Swiss psychiatrist, neuroscientist and mystic without it expanding some area of consciousness. I have found work much tougher since taking these two days out to train my consciousness to expand. I know that 2 days doesn't sound like a lot to be so unsettled after but when you have complete faith and trust in the teacher then there is a readiness and an openness to receive that does produce results. I have found this along every step of this path that nothing will be asked for without permission first being sought. At every stage I have been given a choice as to whether to continue or stop. Today was a particularly tough day. Still fresh with the memory of how childlike my consciousness is I arrived into work somewhat wary. Walking through the park had been great as once again I allowed my consciousness to expand so it could realize the essential oneness behind the illusion of the separation of separate trees. The perception is of many trees, the reality is that there is only one.
Soon the guy who had shone a light on my slowness in picking things up arrived. He must have been thinking about what had happened because he immediately came up to me and said how 'yesterday was only a bit fun, just a laugh'. It was a laugh to tell me that 'gullible had been taken out of the dictionary' and watch my face as I fell for it totally. I explained to him that it was embarrassing and asked him to stop it. He said he would and I felt much better as a result. I'm still very wary of him though and every time he came up to speak to my work colleague did not get involved with the conversation. He tried to draw me out a couple of times I wasn't going to take the risk of going there again.
At lunch for some reason I felt really restless. I remembered the Reiki woman who I had had the powerful Reiki treatment from and wondered again if the shaking that I had undergone has in some way affected and is effecting my brain. She is the best person to help me to understand what had happened. As I thought this I immediately had a memory of something that a student of Manuel said in a book she was written of nuggets of wisdom he has said when he has trained his students in time therapy. He says in 'The little book of time therapy 'you want to understand because you want to control things' page 10. I remembered this and thought how true that is. It is difficult as a human not to want to control things by understanding.
When I understand I feel I am in control but this is not what the journey from human to spiritual is about. It is about what he says on page 29 'being vulnerable is the readiness to let everything come towards you no matter what it is. It is the readiness to not react when you get hurt'. How much of a challenge is this. Not to react when we are hurt. Reaction to hurt to me at times is something that happens below the level of my self-awareness. But this is the training, training in inner observation so that nothing comes from reaction but only from choice in how to react. I have written somewhere before that hurt is never about the object or person that hurts me but is always about what is going on with me that I am allowing my consciousness to be hurt in this way. Every hurt is a lesson in deeper self-observation.
Speaking with the Reiki therapist she explained that the energy work had been powerful and this kind of work is usually done in a retreat setting where the energy can ground itself and be balanced. The immediate contrast for me of returning to work having opened deeper an energetic channel was resulting in the confusion and uncertainty I was feeling. After the phone call I felt better. I was tired though which I knew had nothing to do with being up at 5.30 am to write the blog. I was tired because I am resisting the work I am doing because I feel strongly that I am being called to do something else....but what. Earlier in the day I had the thought of going to live in Switzerland and study with Manuel at his centre there. But later in the day the strength of this idea disappeared and as I write this blog I don't feel any urgency to leave my life in London.
Part of my unsettling was also that I hadn't heard from the guy in the gym so when work was over I sent him a text to see how he was feeling. I've created the possibility of being light and easy which I can be in text messages. I am a writer, it comes easy! He answered and then suggested coming over. This was not in the game plan because I had already made plans with a friend to go out with her for a birthday drink. So much for integrity, my first thought was cancel her and tell her we will do it on Saturday, but then I remembered the importance of integrity and being true to what I said I would do as the foundation for power that I texted him back to say I couldn't but suggested this evening. In true male form...I didn't get a definite yes...aagh.
I am giving this example to show how easy it is to fall into the trap of not having integrity. Yet I know that if I had phoned my friend to cancel the drink and he had come around that something would have been missing. It has been my experience that on those times when I haven't honoured my word in something that life hasn't gone well. So tough as it was last night.....I went for the birthday drink with my friend. I disciplined myself with the wine and this is why I am up this morning early, in fact I woke without my mobile alarm going off. I am going to finish this and then get ready for my early morning spinning class.
I have Manuel's book beside me here at the computer and I have opened it at a page where he deals with being vulnerable. These days this is how I am feeling. He says 'to be vulnerable makes you strong. Holding yourself back only leads to more misery'. This is similar to what Landmark says 'it is in sharing myself and being and showing myself as vulnerable that I will grow in strength'. To the intellectual mind this doesn't seem to make any sense. This is because the mind does not do vulnerable. It describes and explains so that any threats in the environment can be recognised. To be vulnerable scares it because in vulnerability there is a complete letting go of control. Another nugget from this little book is 'whenever you try to protect yourself rather than be vulnerable, you only weaken yourself'.
To take this on and practice it with intention and determination is likely to make you strange to others. This means no self-defensiveness of any kind. No justifications, explanations rationalisations. For me it causes a conflict because to stand up for yourself in something is to acknowledge your own self worth but in the journey from human to spiritual it is to remain stuck. I think the secret is to speak straight without making a person or situation wrong. To be vulnerable under attack by being straight and non-reactive. Wow....how tall an order is that. Yet it is important to trust that there is something in what Manuel is saying and to have the faith to 'try it on and see'. That is the beauty of this path, suggestions are made, they are never put forward as beliefs. I don't speak about beliefs because beliefs can create aggression as then one defends beliefs to the death. To have faith is not to have belief. Faith is faith, it does not create beliefs or if it does this is down to the human consciousness and not to faith itself. Faith is possible and should be allowed to exist without being mixed up with beliefs.
Now....I'm off to get ready for my cycle spinning class which is also my time of non-doing meditation!....
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment