I've written my first article......as an online freelance journalist...yippee!

This morning I got up so early and wrote my first article for the online website. Just before I dropped off to sleep I had the idea to write the article on intuition. What is it and how reliable is it. Then when I woke up this morning I felt the resistance I always feel when it comes to me writing something new. I am much better replying to posts. I am copying the response I got from a guy to a couple of the replies I posted on Facebook. He says: I have met many other enlightened souls in my life, especially in the current phase of my journey thru this "reality", you are very exceptional among those that I have encountered. You possess a strong depth of understanding of spiritual matters with a high level of spiritual energy.' It is feedback like this that will keep me keeping on

I didn't write to the word count deadline because I want to see the kind of feedback the article will receive and I know that my picture suggestions were not good. This is an area that I struggle with how to find and download pictures. It was part of the design module of my journalism course and the design part was what I struggled with the most but my friend Lotus is brilliant on finding pics so I will go over to her and get some extra tuition. The online website has great tutorials also which I can study to get myself better and up to speed. The rate of pay is 2.5p a word and this morning I wrote 500 words in less than an hour which resulted in a huge degree of satisfaction. I am getting paid for doing what I love and it's not coming out of ordinary people's pockets, this to me is integrity. The challenge for me now is to up my game for every article. I have been guaranteed feedback on the article in less than 24 hours and I cannot submit another until the feedback has been received so it's run quite tightly which is good.

I had a look at the articles that are already there on spiritual stuff and was disappointed when I saw a recent one on kundalini and the chakras. This means that I have to wait a while before submitting a similar article so between getting together ideas for my at least ten articles for three months, and scouring metaphysical and spiritual websites to leave comments on to expand my profile I'm a busy little bee. But I have never felt so fulfilled and happy.

I am aware that I haven't been to a kundalini yoga class in a while and am beginning to miss it. I know that there is one close to where I live on Wednesday evenings and as there is no toastmasters evening tomorrow I am going to schedule it in my diary to go. I feel this energy moving spontaneously within me and want to get back into a proper context for it to be at its most strongest and powerful. The comment that was made about my 'high level of spiritual energy' is not me but this energy that is moving through me.....I never lose sight of that..not for a moment...

Things are moving now....really quickly....

Today was such a wet and miserable day that I spent all day on computer research. I did a trawl of online freelance journalism and came across what I thought was a professional site called suite101.com. I got the application form and I had to submit two 400 - 600 non-fiction articles and some blurb about me and then I would hear whether or not I would be approved as a contribution writer for the website. I did all this and sent it off. One hour later I got an email confirming that I have been approved as a writer for this site. The rate of pay is not good but it is a start and if the articles are good enough I can apply for a position as a feature writer in my area which is in the area of spiritual awakening so I am very excited. The terms of the contract are that I have to provide 10 articles over a three month period of between 400 - 800 words including pictures and captions.

I will have an editor who will review what I submit and give me feedback and will be building up a relationship which is good because this site doesn't accept one-off articles. I like this because it means that I can build up a reputation as an expert in this field. On my profile on the site I put a link to my blog but I cannot link the articles to the blog. The copyright for those articles remains with suite101 - it's a good job that I'm not precious about my work. I can write more than 10 articles so obviously the more I write and are accepted the better I will be financially but what means far more to me than that is that I will be earning money doing something I love and am passionate about which is writing. So with that and writing for Wellbeing magazine although this is unpaid at present....things that have never moved for me in this area are now moving.

It is amazing how all of this has happened since I discovered the irrational belief I had that big people were a danger to me. Before I saw this it was ridiculous to think that I could ever have been successful in the land of the 'big people'. Now all of that is gone and it's like the energy that was blocked has now been freed and big things are happening for me. From this discovery I also see just how powerful is that part which doesn't want us to be powerful or self-expressed, hence the importance of 'know thyself'. Without such self-knowledge human beings are no more than pawns on a chessboard.....

Ive been causing quite a stir.....on Facebook...

I can see the difference in how I think and write when I am writing this blog without any goal other than to interest my readers and when I am writing on Facebook in response to a post. There is an energetic aliveness in my writing. I am sending the Facebook link to posts where I have commented. http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/profile.php?id=572649381&ref=ts. I hope this works because I haven't done it before.

I am also in conversation with a man called JC Mac who had a completely unexpected spiritual emergency as he was hanging up the telephone. I particularly like responding to his posts because he resonates to me as being more authentic about what one goes through on the spiritual path to awakening the consciousness. I heard him speak in London about his experience which he has written about on Facebook and I was struck by just how bewildered the whole experience has left him. This is the danger with an unpremeditated, unexpected profound spiritual emergency, it shatters the consciousness and what there is to do is to integrate the experience back into the conscoiusness so that there is a completeness and a wholeness not the kind of dissociation that I saw from JC Mac. I feel such compassion for him because he is going through it the hard way.

Eckhart Tolle was very lucky in how smooth his shift of consciousness to spiritual awakening was. But he stayed steady with the shocking thought to the mind of 'I cannot live with myself any longer, am I one or two, who is I who is myself'. He didn't push this away and the result was a loss of consciousness for him and a spiritual transformation when he woke up. Others like JC Mac are not so lucky in that their way seems to be more torturous. But this is just what it appears like. HIs consciousness has also shifted and is going on its journey naturally. It is the mind that has the memory of an experience which it senses is a threat to its safety and this is why it is obsessed with finding a reason for why it happened so it can defend itself should it happen again. But the irony is that there is nothing to protect or defend. This is the ultimate realization - there is nothing to protect and defend - why? because there is nothing. I don't mean nothing in the sense of annihilation. I mean nothing in the sense that all the awakened consciousness is is a space where anything can be created. In the beginning there was nothing and then there was the Word and from this came creation. I am not religious and I don't know why that biblical quote came to me but it seemed important so I have included it.

I think it is the importance of the Word which makes keeping our word and having integrity so important for the development of the spiritual consciousness. We are not our thoughts and feelings, they come and go. What we are is our WORD, we are solely what we said we would do when we said we would do it. And when we can't keep our Word we go to those affected and explain that we can't now keep our word and we re-commit. In this way we are being true to the essence of our creation which is....THE WORD...

How life alters when the context within which it is lived shifts....

KNOW THYSELF
Seek not outside yourself for what rests quietly within.
Look to no one else to tell you what you are.
It is sufficient to know what you are not.
Ask but this, What Am I?
Notice that you Are.
Abide in That.

I came across the first paragraph and it resonated so strongly with me that I just had to put it in this blog post. I have spent most of this afternoon going through all of the blogs that focus on spiritual awakening and I have been amazed. Firstly that there is only 67 blogs dealing with this topic out of a total of 853,799 blogs circulating. Of these 67 more than half don't have up-to-date posts. But I don't think this is an accurate picture as there is no mention of this blog! But what has struck me most are the number that are 'invitation only'. This has both irritated and intrigued me. I was reminded of the secrecy around the Freemasons and there is something in the human psyche that gets a little more interested when you're fully expecting to gain entry and you get a message saying 'invitation only' especially if the blog title is particularly appealing as in the case of one - journey of spiritual awakening. I haven't finished going through them all yet but of those I have gone through I have been struck by all the advertising and marketing there is on them. I think I am beginning to understand the real power of the internet now.

I have some ideas of where I am going to take this but until they are more definite I will continue with this blog in this format for the time being. One thing I have noticed is that as I thought there aren't any blogs that are as personal as this one. I came close to one which is similar and that is http://intendawakening.blogspot.com/ and within that there is another link 'journey to happiness'. Given the small amount of research I have done I have a number of options available for how me and this blog could go forward. I will be meeting my friend Lotus to discuss options. She is doing something similar to see how many blogs have as their focus mindfulness. I have also been active on commenting on spiritual posts on Facebook and have received a number of 'friend requests' as a result which is good for me in building up a profile.

For this blog to be seen as an expert in the field of spiritual awakening it has to stop being all about me. I am trying to show a process but some blogs are doing the same solely by using quotes from well known spiritual teachers and nothing else - a lovely designed website with quotes. I think I'm doing well I've finally worked out how to upload an image so am going to experiment with layout and making it more visually attractive. I have a loyal following on this blog and I have done for many years which I am very grateful for and I don't want to lose one reader. I want this blog to be what YOU the reader feels is worthy of the time you spend here. If you have ever thought 'I wish she would do x or y or wouldn't do x,y!, then please send a comment back and when I am putting together my list of options, I will consider all comments. There is no obligation on anyone to do this so don't feel under any pressure. Having seen just how little there is around that is understandable (is that me being arrogant!) I am really excited about what is going to be possible.

I am so clear now and incredibly grateful that my context for how I communicated with adults has shifted. Last night I was out with friends who I hadn't seen for almost a year and I was so relaxed and happy. We all went to a jazz club and the drummer was just amazing. I used the power of the band to be quiet and to really thank whatever process I am going through where I am slowly but surely being returned to nothing. All that is 'not me' is being peeled away and soon I will be back to nothing where everything is possible. After the band we all went to another pub and I got chatting to this guy who I had never seen before and there was none of that tension or unease that I have often written about in this blog. The conversation flowed and was easy without anywhere to get to. I was so amazed at the difference. It's also showing itself in my writing in that there is nothing to protect anymore and so I can be and am! fully self-expressed when it comes to a view on spiritual awakening and the shift of consciousness that characterises spiritual awakening.

I do assert though that what I write is not the truth just how it occurs for me but it's really fun to go to long deep philosophical posts that are unintelligible (at least to me) and cut through them with a couple of short succinct sentences - it's giving me a strange kind of thrill and challenge.....

Tomorrow I must write an article for Wellbeing magazine on mindfulness promoting the evenings and my evenings on spiritual awakening. What is still lacking for me though on the spiritual awakening evenings is a structure that people can benefit from. I don't feel authentic in that I don't have the means to rise the energy that enables spiritual awakening so I'm asking myself is being practical really my niche or is my niche really focussing on writing ebooks that break new ground in spirituality. Although there is no new ground to be broken in spirituality because it is the one ancient Truth but maybe there is ground to be broken in making it accessible in a way that it hasn't been before. What this is going to call on me to do though is to be a spiritual leader.....and come out of the shadows....

Am feeling so...calm and connected now...

I woke this norning full of joy and delight for the coming day. I went downstairs to make a cup of tea which is my ritual first thing in the morning, forget your tea and lemon and my landlady was in the kitchen. The glow that comes when one has a powerful insight that shifts the context within which life occurs was still there - she was beaming and it was the early morning!. This from a lady who told me that she had never woken up one morning happy. In line with my new policy that 'less is more' I just greeted her with a smile and she did the same. She told me of all the plans she had for the day and was so excited and alive with life. Slightly amused at this totally unexpected turn of events I carried my tea back upstairs.

I sat down at my computer to write my daily blog as I feel my writing is far clearer and sharper when I write in the morning. I seem to need a good seven hours of sleep so I rarely write my blog at night. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the second of the landlady's cats come into the room. Millie is a shy cat who doesn't usually bother with anyone so to have her in my room and even though she was scared and kept looking at me in quite a nervous way I felt quite privileged. I finished my blog and while writing it realised that I am quite at the mercy of blogspot who provides the space for this blog. I made a mental note to speak to my friend Lotus about putting together a proper website where I could have a newsletter about all kinds of insights I get from other sites as well as my own. I have also realised just how limited this blog is in terms of knowing what other blogs are out there that deal with the same subject matter than me. Although I can almost see my chiildhood friend smirking and saying to himself 'there is no other blog like this out there, this blog is barking'! and that is also something to be proud of.

I realise also that in the past I didn't want to make myself visible because my unfounded perceived threat I had towards people. Now all that is gone I want to be as visible to as many people as possible. That is why I have started making comments on spiritual/philosophical posts and this morning I was so surprised at the number of comments I got back including one from a woman who said 'I've only just realised you are an esteemed author'...wow...this is amazing and I now have the confidence and self-assurance of one who has found their niche and has the credibility to use my insights, intuitions, knowledge and experience to make a difference to the spiritual dimension of peoples' lives - everything else will follow. I feel sure and certain about that now. The ease of my writing and how well I understand what others write convinces me of this.

I packed up my case and went to see my friend Lotus who gave me a link to a really good website for writing blogs. I began reading it and it's from there that I got the idea to research other blogs of this nature and identify where the gaps are and to develop a website that would be a magnetic one-stop shop for those seeking to develop the spiritual dimension. I am so inspired by this and by having Lotus as my friend and partner. I know though that her path of mindfulness is not the way that I am going to go. Spiritual awakening and the shift of consciousness is what speaks to me. This morning when I woke up I had the urgent thought that I had to pay money for my day of Transcendental Meditation. It seemed important to find the information and my inner prompting wouldn't give me any respite until I found it. When I looked to see the balance due date I couldn't believe it when I saw it was today. I called up and paid the remainder and now am set to learn the technique of TM. I had some concerns that it might conflict with the training I am already doing and which I am committed to finishing and I don't want to do anything to dilute that power. It is like the sun is most powerful when it shines on one spot and this is how I view the training I am currently doing. I sent an email to be clear that to do this day would be in integrity with my current training and I didn't receive a response which I am taking to be a YES.

I arrived in London for what was a very powerful classroom last night and tomorrow is going to be a full day as I do some of the presentations which are going to go towards whether I make it to go on to be a leader for children and young people. Then I have a nights socialising as it is my good friends birthday so it's going to be a lovely night which I am really looking foward to..so there is likely not to be a blog entry until Sunday night......I promise...it will be worth the wait....

Follow your heart....and your dreams will follow....

The title of this blog post is the business card of a woman who makes her own jwellery out in Ibiza. We got chatting on the platform while waiting for the train. From the moment I saw her I felt a strong connection. She was the same age as me with long striking auburny/chestnut hair. She told me that she had moved to Spain 18 years ago with her husband and two daughters because she wanted her daughters to have a childhood and to have their innocence for as long as possible. Speaking with her I was so inspired with her vision for what she wants to create with her jewelry expecially her move into making spiritual jewelry of the angels. In the past I would have been sceptical of such a move seeing it as a purely commercial and materialistic gesture. But I have shifted so far in the speed at which I form views and opinions that all I want to do now is to listen to people and be connected and related to them, My station stopped arrived and I said goodbye and walking up the stairs to get out I had the warmth that only connection and relatedness without there being anything to get can bring.

Today was such a different day to yesterday. I woke early and felt a deep gratitude for the next 24 hours which are given to me as a gift every day. I had a call with my buddy who told me that he has just lost a very good friend to a heart attack. I know the pain of that having not so long ago lost my good friend Tracey. Instead of giving him platitudes I listened to the contribution this friend had given to my buddy and was struck by the deep love and sadness. I am sure that I have been spoken to with love and compassion but I only feel like I am really hearing and connecting very recently. I finished my call and went to the gym. Once I am exercising I can visibly feel myself relaxing and it appears that I have more space to think. There has been a lot written about the power of exercise for releasing the feel good chemicals called endorphins in the brain and it could be something to do with this but I find that living with a risen spiritual awakening energy that I can feel a build up of pressure that sooner or later I will find myself in the gym. I am particularly lucky in that the gym I joined has a sister gym (the only gym in the area!) so I could transfer my membership quickly and easily. I also like this new gym more. The weights area is not so testosterone filled!

I returned home and as I am away for the whole weekend went to the launderette. This is a completely new experience for me and the first time was a challenge as I tried to work out the machine, settings, money and time. Today when I went in there was a lovely old woman in there who the minute she saw me started to complain about how dirty the machines were. I just listened and allowed her to speak. She was drying some sheets and after a couple of minutes opened her dryer and asked me if I would fold her sheets with her. I was reminded of folding sheets with my mum, holding it out full, then folding it and then folding it again and then walking towards her. There was something hugely comforting in being a contribution and helping the woman to do this. She then started talking to me about how she doesn't see her grand-children and with a glint said 'but I have a will, not very much money, but I would rather give it to charity or friends that are good to me then family who don't appreciate me' and as she spoke her face became sad and bitter. I thought again about the First Noble Truth of the Buddha - that everything is suffering and was reminded anew at the truth of it. Everyone is carrying something, the nature of life is suffering. To accept this is to take the first step to have power over it.

I came home thinking about how productive my day has been up to then. OK I am not working in an official capacity but I have never felt so happy and at peace with myself. The days fly by and I enjoy every moment and that to ne is being in integrity. I know that in time I will make a living by being in 100% integrity which is what my vision is. I am meeting my friend tomorrow to discuss ideas for a couple of e-books which I can do very quickly now that the lid is firmly off my self-expression. I already have a couple of ideas and I have been given the website addresses for people who can make it happen. I have had confirmation that my book is definitely going to be translated into Hindi and Gujerati and so the next book is going to be an e-book which will be more practical. My days are full and I feel vibrant and alive. This to me is living a life that is in integrity.

I am doing a presentation on Saturday and so I did some work on that. Then I went onto Facebook and a couple of weeks ago I read a comment on reality by someone who I think has quite a following. The comment was quite complicated and so I commented breaking it down to be more simple and easily understoood. The result of this was a short conversation on chat on Facebook which I soon gave up on because I couldn't see where he was coming from and it occurred to me as all mind chatter. Using the mind to understand spiritual truths is never going to be effective. It is like the thief turning detective to catch a thief and now everywhere I find it operating I challenge it by writing short and succinct comments. I did this yesterday to a comment he had written on the nature of reality and after reading it felt compelled to write simply that 'reality is a series of moment by moment events whereby we can choose our responses' I wrote some more but it was much simpler than what he had written. The result of this has been two responses from people I didn't know saying that they liked what I had written in response to what I gather is a kind of guru type person. It takes vigilance not to be taken in by long, philosophical words and terms that while sounding good only satisfy the mind. I am trying to shift the consciousness from mind to no-mind... that is where the holy grail of enlightenment is to be found.

It's late now and I have written a lot in this blog post but it is important for the purpose of this blog to be honest about the way the spiritual journey is occuring for me - it is as this blog demonstrates....a mix between the profane, the profound and the ridiculous.....

The hard shell of the identity has transformed......leaving the soft underbelly of vulnerability

I woke up this morning feeling incredibly sad,lonely uncertain and insecure. I know without a doubt that the hard shell of my identity which kept in place a

fear of adults has well and truly transformed and in its place is a softness and vulnerability. I have found it very difficult to motivate myself and what was important today was to be my WORD and honour my word and not my feelings or thoughts. The latter were very black but I know that I am not my thoughts and feelings and therefore the only way for me to come through this eye of the needle that I am going through is to be my word.

I had given my word to have a coaching call at 12pm and so I had that. In the morning I went downstairs to make myself a cup of tea. My landlady called me into the room to tell me that she had realised for the first time that she had a choice over how she was feeling. She could choose to be depressed or not. Her face as she told me this totally lit up and I am just left looking at her totally confused. She had seen for herself one of the major distinctions of the training I am doing without participating in the training. It was like the act of just putting the pen to paper and starting the process of registration was enough to create the shift. In the past I would have been so free with an explanation or opinion for her as to what this insight meant for her life but there was nothing there for me, just a numbness an emptiness but also great delight that she had distinguished something that would now give her a power over how life occurred for her that shd didn't have before. I truly understand now the old saying 'that less is more'.

I had been due to meet my friend who I am running Deep Connection with to go to a Toastmasters public speaking meeting. When I lived in London I was a regular member at the West London club and gained my competent communicator certificate before I left. My friend called and explained that she had overbooked herself and was not going. I had a moment of wavering but I felt a compulsion to be my word and to go. I looked for directions on the internet and set off. It was my first time outside and walking along in the brisk wind it felt good and for the first time I didn't feel quite so numb and disconnected.

I arrived at the hotel where the meeting was being held and walked into a room where there were not very many people. I was met by a lovely friendly woman who held out her hand and gave me a firm and warm handshake. Gradually other people trickled in and I was reminded of how friendly these meetings are. The meeting started on time and because there wasn't many people there the few that were there doubled up on roles. As a guest, there for the first time I was asked to stand up and say something about myself. I was amazed at how easy and free I felt when I stood up. I remember all the other times feeling nervous and self-conscious. There was none of that last night. I talked about writing my book and then when the break came I was surrounded by people who wanted to ask me all kinds of questions. There was a lady there who spoke about having the wish to be self-realized and afterwards she gave me a card which is for a charity which works in this field.

What all of this brought home to me was how much I need to network and how good I am when I do it. I am good now because I have no threat of adults. There was also a guy there who specialises in network marketing and after the meeting was over we spoke in the bar and I was more direct and straight asking him how exactly to do things on the internet. I explained about this blog and what it's purpose was and asked him for ideas on how to grow and expand it. In the past I would never have done this. It was rare in the past that I would have gone for a drink after. There would have been a point where my subconscous always present nagging fear of me being in a threatening situation by virtue of all the adults that were there that would have found me giving my apologies and going home. The freedom I feel now is just magical and I can't do enough justice to writing about.

I hope by now that this blog is a good demonstration of what we think are inherent qualities are simply the product of decisions that we made in the past when events in life happened. In that way this blog has served its purpose. The reason these decisions still hang around and impact life in the present and future is because they are not in the past. They lie around until they are distinguished. At the point of being distinguished they are then put back into the past and no longer impact the present. I have had first hand experience of this in the decision I made that adults were a threat. I know that I have laboured this insight in my last few blog entries and I apologise if I am beginning to sound a bit parrot like but I think those who have known me since childhood especially my one special friend I have had since childhood will recognise the significance of this for me.

Walking home afer the meeting I felt so alive. The weather was terrible, it was sleeting rain and yet there was a deep peace and contentment within. I have come through the eye of the needle in terms of the transformation of my identity....and I am sure that there is more to come.....this is why courage on the spiritual path is essential.....

Every moment...is a moment of NOW...and every moment of NOW is....perfect

Coming back on the plane today I was hit by the insight that it as a result of leaving my family to go away to boarding school and never really going home again that I am neither known or understood within my family. How could I be when I left home at such an early age. My parents who thought that boarding school was so good for me made the decision to send my two brothers who didn't want to go. This decision is still having a ripple effect almost three decades later. On the plane I was hit by the unrealistic expectation I always have when I go home and that is that I will be included and not feel like an outsider. Every time I return disappointed that this didn't happen. What I have seen now for the first time is how on earth could I expect this. Inclusion whether it is with family or friends has to be earned and I just haven't earned it. Writing this I feel shame about how uncomfortable it is when I go home. Instead of being grateful for their love and friendship I wade in with questions and opinions and intrude without invitation into their lives. This has been such a sobering insight for me and has shifted radically how I am going to be when I go back again at Christmas.

Once again I am left asking myself why do I get these insights so late in my relationship with my family. If I got this years ago then my visits home could have been much more pleasant. I think there is also something about not living in Ireland when all the rest of my family are. I don't think they can understand why I choose to live in England when everyone is in Ireland. I can't answer this question either. At one point I had made plans to return to live and went to a leadership conference in Dublin which I have written about in this blog. After this conference I shelved my plans for returning to live in Ireland. But if my resolve was strong enough what happened at that conference wouldn't have derailed my plans to move back.

I have taken on in earnest the title of my blog post and it is true that in the moment of NOW there is nothing but perfection and every moment is a moment of now and is perfect. Suffering only comes when we allow the mind to go into the past or the future but in the eternal moment of now which is all there is....all is perfect.

How is it possible to be surrounded by family...and yet feel so alone

The day I decided when I was 11 to leave the family and put myself into boarding school was the moment when I became an outsider in my family. It is a decision I have always regretted but the impact of it is still very much present when I return home. My family have an unease and a warriness about me and I have to take responsibility for this. I came home with a special mission which was to deliver invitations for a home introduction I am hosting for the training I am doing. It's not been easy to give these invitations. Those members of my family that I most want to share this work with and what the work makes possible are the ones who won't even allow me to share or allow me to make a contribution. It is so frustrating and I have to remind myself that it is only a game and that it is empty and meaningless. Everyone has the right to choose and to choose no and the lesson for me is not to make it mean anything. No is not personal, it's not no to me as a person, it's just a no for what I am inviting people to.

It is also harder because in the past I needed this resistance and antagonism to feed my belief that adults were a threat to me. I no longer need this so now I am feeling deep hurt and such a lot of confusion and uncertainty. I know that my identity is taking a battering here at home this time and I'm not sure what is going to emerge out of the fire. I stood up to my brother in a way I never have done before. I was amazed at how I could do this and feel no fear or dread like there was in the past. Going around giving the invitations to my relatives I was struck by how simple and straightforward their lives seem to be and at one point I felt a stab of envy for this kind of life. At this point in time I feel like some kind of plaything for the Gods. Yesterday was a tough day going around with the invitations and then this morning when I woke up I was planning where I would go with the invitations today. I'm like something possessed about giving out these invitations. My feelings don't come into it. I gave my word to come home to do this and I am not leaving until I have them all given out....

This is exactly what I am being trained in....to be a bold leader in the face of no agreement....now it's for them to see what's possible for themselves and their lives from this breatkthrough education and training but in the future it's to be effective in compassionately challenging the identity to enable a mass awakening of consciousness and ultimately a compassionate and connected world. This is my empowering context that I keep close to me at every moment. Without it I would have given up a long time ago.....

The importance.....of not getting stuck..in an opinion\view

On Friday night I stayed with a woman who is doing the same training course as me who is a psychotherapist. We stayed up late into the night chatting over a bottle of wine. I was ranting about how much suffering our ego/identity causes us. She listened to me patiently for a while then said quietly 'can't you see that if it wasn't for the ego/identity that we wouldn't be able to experience life'. I was completely stunned as I hadn't considered it in this way. i had been stuck inside my view that the ego/identity is a thief that robs us of experiencing our Divine essence. Her comment has really made me think and as a result I am feeling much more compassionate to the ego/identity. I will still challenge it when I see it operating but now from a stand of compassion for what is possible than in a direct confrontational challenge which is what I have been doing up to now. The path of spiritual transformation is so fluid and one of the traps on it is to become stuck in some point of view. I am very lucky in that I listen intently to everything that is said because without a teacher, the people I meet and what they say to me become my teachers.

I am writing this before I leave to catch a plane to go and see my family in Ireland. I am going home with the intention of delivering invitations to an introduction I am doing in my home just before Christmas to give my family and friends the gift of being in the environment of the energy of the training programme I am on. I am a mixture of nervousness and excitement. I understand now why I was initially drawn to this training. The training is leading edge training in leadership by the education and coaching that is provided. However, because it is so leading edge it is often greeted with scepticism. This scepticism that I used to meet fed my ego/identity and kept alive the belief that adults were a threat. Nothing gave me the experience of being threatened more than when I shared about this training and invited others to come along to evenings to find out what might be possible for them from this training in areas of life that are important to them.

I have noticed since I have discovered this that I am so able to be with anything that is said to me. There were a few occasions this weekend where things were said to me that in the past I would definitely have seen as a threat that had no effect now only to make me smile. There is nothing to protect therefore there is no fear anymore. I am creating my way of being when I go home today to be playful, excited and passionate and I am going clear in my mind that my family and my friends are most important and I want them to have anything they want for themselves and their lives from the education and training I am doing and I have experienced that what this training promises......it delivers......it has for me and for over 1.1 million people worldwide who have participated....

I called my mum yesterday when I was on a bus to let her and my dad know that I was coming because I didn't want to shock them by just arriving on the doorstep! My mum was firstly shocked and then delighted and it was great to hear her. When I finished I caught the eye of a man who was sitting opposite me. He said how hearing me speak to my mum brought back memories of his mum who he had lost in Italy 10 years ago. I was so aware as he was speaking about his mum and the Alzheimers that she had that I was so present to him and what he was saying. This was a stranger who in the past would have been a threat to me and who I would never have struck up a conversation and here I was on the 29 bus speaking with this man like we had known each other all of our lives. When he got off he thanked me for listening and told me to enjoy the precious time I was very lucky to have. It was a really lovely experience speaking to someone without experiencing any fear or threat....

Now....am off to catch the plane. I will try to keep up this blog while I am away but am not going to promise....

Technology and me....who would have guessed it...

I have joined the 21^st century in terms of having mobile technology on the move. I now have a lovely light netbook which travels everywhere with me now. Earlier today I was in a battle with the identity of my landlady as it worked on her overnight drumming up every possible reason why she shouldn’t do a weekend which gives an access to freedom and happiness. It is so frustrating for me and I have to remember that it is all empty and meaningless and the important thing is to play full out. To confront the identity of human being at every opportunity and not to be afraid. To be straight about what I think and to take whatever I get. I am so steady in this now that even in the midst of what was a very vicious verbal attack from that part of her that is hell bent on keeping her small and ordinary I could see what was going on and I held firm. There was nothing for me to protect therefore there was no threat to my own survival. In the end she spoke to her therapist who said that she was far too vulnerable to take on the first part of the powerful training that I am pleased and proud to be doing.

I have also seen that I can still keep my childlike consciousness in terms of being excited, passionate and playful about life and what it has to offer. The combination of playfulness and excitement is infectious. All I have to do is recreate the excitement shown by children when they discover something new and their natural inclination to share and show whoever is around what they have discovered. This is the way of being that I am going to adopt. It’s not going to be difficult because it is what I already am. The difference now is that I am consciously adopting that way of being and it will be in combination with being in the adult world. It won’t be a playfulness and excitement that irritates which is what it has been in the past. I am committed that it’s going to be a playfulness and excitement that inspires and moves people to rediscover the lost childlike consciousness in themselves.

I wonder if it was the decision I made not to enter the adult world that is responsible for me never being able to decide on and work towards a career. I said in an earlier blog that what I thought was spiritual was just a decision made when I was an upset five year old... but maybe that decision was the Divine gift.

I am a mixture of caution and impatience....not a workable combination

I am preparing for my second workshop on Thursday and at the moment I have nobody booked to come. What I can see is that having resisted doing this work for many years I am now impatient and also cautious for it to happen quickly and to take-off and I find that this is not happening. I think my lack of conviction in the existence of the subtle energy centres called chakras just because it hasn't been proved is limiting me. In truth the only gift I have to offer people is the sharing of the powerful experiences I have had while on meditation retreats and how life transformed as a result. Everything else I say, teach or share is just an opinion or a view. I am also going to look at doing on online certificated course in spiritual counselling because I realise that I am lacking a framework or structure within which to teach/share.

I went to see my good friend Lotus who set up Deep Connection to share her commitment to and practice of mindfulness. How much easier would my path be if I set myself up as a Mahayana Buddhist and started to teach about the sutras which I understand so well. But something in me is resisting this. There is a force which is not letting me give up. Lotus is great in that if nobody turns up then I don't pay her for the space. I can also use the space for one to one counselling which is great. I find myself speaking a lot about the two parts of us that comprise human being and how one side wants to keep us small and ordinary and the other wants us to be powerful and to reclaim our Divine essence which is hidden underneath the constructed identity. I find that when I am speaking about this that my words flow and have power. Yesterday I was engaged in one of these conversations with a colleague who is on the same training course as me and also wants to be a leader for children and young people. She called me because she was challenged by what such training is going to involve and demand from her. As she spoke about all her concerns I was so aware of the efforts her identity was making to throw her off course from experiencing and being her greatness.

What was amazing to me was that I was fine with everything that she said. I realised that all my years fighting not to become an adult has left me quite childlike. It is ironic that I used to think a lot about the sentence 'unless you become like little children you cannot enter the kingdom of God' and so what I thought was a Divine gift - i.e. my childlikenss was in reality the product of a decision I made when I was five that adults were a threat to me and the only way I was going to survive was not to allow my consciousness to grow up. The result of this was that up until a few weeks ago I had a five year old consicousness trapped in the body of a mid 40 year old woman. No wonder my brother said to me in exasperation one day 'you have no idea what you're like'. It must have been so frustrating for my family and friends and once again I thank them through this blog for being there for me.

Last night I went to the gym with the girl whose room I took and it was lovely. I had never done this when I was younger preferring to be on my own. She is so much younger than me but swimming in the pool and chatting in the steam room and then coming back to hers to have dinner and give ideas on the new flat that she has just bought I was aware of a deep and profound gratitude that I could be as happy, relaxed and playful as I was. Gone was that nagging tension that had always been with me and that I couldn't put my finger on. Now I look forward to meeting and speaking with people. I was in the launderette the other day and I started chatting to this guy who told me that he had been a Hare Krishna for many years and we had an amazing conversation about Krishna consciousness and what it meant.

The power of seeing the event which shaped the constructed identity cannot be underestimated in terms of being able to peel away the layers of the constructed identity like the layers of an onion. I had often heard this onion analogy but hadn't really understood it or how it happens.....now I do and every morning I wake up so utterly and profoundly grateful to have the freedom I now have.....to be excited and playful about life and who I am going to meet today......

I completely understand.....what Plato was trying to get people to see with his allegory of the cave

I have felt so frustrated today. This evening Deep Connection held it's second evening on mindfulness and once again I was reminded of the old saying about giving people fish and teaching them to fish. Yes, by being mindful and aware of all of our thoughts, feelings and actions you do enter the here and now and do touch life deeply, but there is a long way to go to get to that point. Last night I listened to people speaking about how they have anger, judgements and opinions and I can't understand why people would prefer to put up with them rather than to understand how they came about and disappear them. This would then free up the energy that is blocked by keeping all these aspects of their identity in existence. This was the frustration that was with me for almost five hours last night.

Not to sound arrogant but I think I understand how the prisioner who escaped from Plato's allegorical cave must have felt. The story of the cave is that there are a group of prisioners tied together, sitting on the ground facing a wall. Behind the prisoners is a fire and the shadows of people passing by the fire makes shadows on the wall which the prisoners take to be real. One prisoner escapes and then realises that the shadows are illusory and sees the brilliance of the daylight. Excited he runs back to his fellow prisoners to tell them......and they kill him.

Mindfulness like meditation has been around and practiced for many years. Has it made any difference to the amount of love, peace and compassion in the world? No, in fact it could be argued that the world has got worse. Why is this? I assert it is because the ego/identity has been left to develop and deepen in human being without being confronted. There was nothing in last night that was confronting to the ego identity of everyone that was there and this was my frustration. I said a couple of things about becoming aware of what is it that causes meditation to be so difficult, to sit for an hour in meditation as opposed to sit for three hours watching TV. Unless the ego/identity with its various components is directly challenged and given up spiritual awakening and achievement of the holy grail of enlightenement is going to remain a concept not attainable in this lifetime.

What is also ironic for me is that there is a lot of talk of global warming and doing more to save our planet. People are so caught up in the suffering caused simply by being human and by refusing to look at how human being is made up there is no more energy available to do what is going to be necessary to save our planet. The ego/identity is operating strongly and unfettered and cares about nothing else only its own survival. I don't know what is going to shift that if people don't take it on for themselves.

And what I say and write about can be verified by everyone from their own experience. Everyone is aware of that inner voice that is always commenting on what someone else is saying 'I agree with that, not with that, I like that, that's not right'. When I mention this to people there is a wry smile of recognition so what I am saying is not unfamiliar. People are just asleep. They are unaware that it is this part of themselves that is in control and is responsible for the suffering in life. It is the creator of what the Buddhists call maya or delusion and ignorance.

Ironically I have found that the worst offenders in terms of going into the mud of how we got put together as human beings are those who are on a declared spiritual path. From my experience the ego/identity becomes alive and active far earlier in these people than those who declare no interest in their spiritual development. The spiritual ego is more clever and devious than the normal ego. Although there is only the one ego/identity it is chameleon like doing whatever it has to to survive. Sitting for two hours in mindfulness contemplating the here and now is completely pointless while the ego/identity is operating unfettered and unexamined. Sitting in meditation or being in mindfulness without knowing the underlying machinery of the identity is like the ego/identity deciding to turn itself into a detective to catch a thief which is itself the thief. You can just imagine how effective that is going to be.

I remember once being on a meditation retreat in Devon and sitting in one of the large chairs in the library when I was suddenly gripped by such a powerful anger that I wanted to pick up one of the plants that was there and throw it out of the window. I didn't of course but I wasn't just satisfied to see that there was that anger there I wanted to find out what was it's source so that I could have equanimity. I accepted that it was there because acceptance is the first step to transforming anything. But after acceptance I thwn went into a rigorous enquiry as to what purpose my ego/identity was using the anger for. I assert that without this rigorous enquiry into that part of us which is not us, we will never experience what we really are.

Without the mud the Lotus flower does not bloom. It is the same for human being. The tragedy and my frustration is that so many people don't know that the mud of human being exists never mind to transform it. The ego/identity keeps the consciousness away from this enquiry by having it be resigned and cynical.....that this is just the way that I am and that life is and it's as good as it gets. Me and this blog says......NO...it is so, not as good as it gets.....but to be free takes being willing to have the consciousness go into the mud....

I also heard yesterday that Wayne Dyer who ranks among the best in terms of motivational and inspirational speaker has Leukaemia. This has just added to my frustration that the ego/identity is now operating like Frankensteins's monster. It was created for one purpose but has now grown to dominate in a way which was not its design.......

Everything...seems to be speeding up....or is this just the way it is occuring for me...

I walked around my new neighbourhood yesterday and was struck by how friendly everyone is here. Or maybe this is me with my new found love and compassion for human being I feel so connected to everyone. I know now without a doubt where my life is going and what it is going to be about until the day when I too go into a box and dirt is thrown on my face before I am lowered into the ground. It is going to be about raising awareness of the two parts that make up human being our identity and our soul. The shift in consciousness that I am absolutely positive is coming will happen when the identity has been unconcealed and the game of human being revealed. All of my meditative and intuitive insights tell me that this is what is meant by 'revelation' the unconcealing of that which was hidden.

My work to directly challenge the human identity as a collective through the individual people that I meet and communicate with started yesterday with a conversation I had with my landlady. As I have often written about in this blog it is not what happens in life but the story or interpretation we make up about what happened that is hallmark of human being. And it is this story that determines the kind of life that is lived and experienced. My landlady has had many tragic events happen which have happened and are real. However what she has made them mean or her story is so limiting what is possible for her. I had a really straight conversation with her about all of this and the result is that she has now registered to do the first stage of the training that I am more advanced in. The first stage is all it takes to begin the process of disidentifying the consciousness from the identity so it can be free. I was amazed at how well I was able to take all of the resistance she showed towards me in the conversation. I could take it and be with it without being reactivated because I knew that it wasn't her speaking, it was her identity that feels threatened and is now fearing for its survival.

And yet such fears for survival are unfounded because when the identity transforms so that the consciousness shifts to the next level there is present and experienced such peace, joy, bliss and a life that works and is magical in more ways than I can write. When the caterpillar becomes the butterfly does it want to return to the caterpillar. I don't know because I don't have the consciousness of the butterfly or caterpillar but my gut instinct is that 'no it doesn't'. The only difference between the process in the caterpillar and the process in human being is that we have the capacity to be self-aware and it is this self-awareness which the identity uses to manifest fear and resistance when it perceives any threat to its existence and survival.

Now when I look at the behaviour of people I see it all as the identity and I look beyond that to the inherent essence of people - their greatness which is hidden beneath the identity and yet which paradoxically the identity arises out of because ultimately it is the game of the ONE WITH THE MANY as I have written about many times. The waves appear separate to the ocean for a limited amount of time but they have arisen from the ocean and will return to the ocean so it is also with the human consciousness which comprises the identity. The game for human being is to disidentify or dissociate the consciousness from the identity to be free....

My work in making this happen for people is the closest I think I can get to in fulfilling on my Bodhissatva vow which I took silently in 1988 to understand the nature of suffering and not to rest until every sentient being is relieved of their suffering. As I write this I realise what a massive undertaking this is going to be and especially on my own and without any agreement from the human identity to do this! I am an active player in this game and am well aware of the power and viciousness of the identity solely for its own end.....that of survival.

I am busy now preparing invitations for a home introduction for my training for my friends and family in Ireland. I am committed that all of the members of my family are aware of the two sides to themselves and can begin this process. I am creating for it to be a lovely evening just before Christmas. I have unwavering faith in the power of the energy of this work and want it in my environment over the Christmas period. I am though treating it as the game that it is. I am so committed to having at least ten people with me on the evening and am now going full out to make this happen but if on the night there is just my mum, dad and me that is still going to make it such a special evening. I have never been this bold before..but then again.....there has never been as much at stake.......for human being before.......

My experience of life.......has transformed..

L ife for me these days is so vibrant and full. The key to this is my complete and total surrender to the way that life is and to be happy with the way that life is. It is the way that it is and wishing that it could be another way is never going to change the way that it is. Acceptance is the first step in transforming any situation. The Buddha said the same thing in the First Noble Truth when he said that all life is suffering. When I first heard this my immediate reaction was 'no, that is not true' and I resisted this. What I understand now is that the Buddha was saying that acceptance of life as suffering is the key to transforming it. Unless we accept people and situations exactly the way they are and exactly the way they are not, suffering and resistance is what human beings experience.

The moment that we can accept the truth of the reality of suffering both for ourselves and our fellow human beings then the resistance is gone and a space opens up for something else to appear. This is the first dis-identification of the consciousness from the identity of being human. All other insights build on this first one. Without acceptance nothing else is possible. I have completely accepted my life just the way that it is and the way that it is not and this gives me a transformed experience of life. On a mundane and practical level I went to a shop to buy an iron, came home, plugged it on looking expectantly for the red light and heat that would signal me being effective in my ability to choose something that works....and nada......no red light and no heat. In the past I would have ranted about the inconvenience it is going to cause to me but yesterday there was none of that. The truth about buying the iron was that it didn't work. Any upset around it would be around some story I made up about it meaning that I am not effective in choosing a working iron never mind being effective in inspiring people to really take on that to be a human being means to be embroiled in a game that we don't even know we are playing. That is the game of the ONE WITH THE MANY...

My commitment to my fellow human beings is for as many as possible to experience this game for themselves. Many already are. Yesterday I found someone who shared his story of spiritual emergency. Reading it I was reminded anew why I continue sharing the insights that I have, it is to have the consciousness prepared so that when the shift comes it will be possible to integrate the shifted consciousness into the new paradigm effortlessly and easiily. I feel a frustration that my way of being at the moment is not able to do this. Eckart Tolle writes and speaks about the power of now, I am going to begin writing about the power of surrender. It is the power of surrender that brings one.....into the power of NOW - the portal of spiritual awakening through a shift in consciousness.

Happiness is.....taking things as they are....

If ever I needed to have the title of this blog post as an empowering context it was today. I moved again from living in the centre of Brighton to now living on the outskirts. This is my third move in less than one year. This is hard to believe given that I have spent most of my life living in the same flat and working for many years in one job. What is amazing to me is the freedom and ease with which I can move around. I really have no fear. Up to last night when I arrived back from my training in London I had very little packing done to move today. As well as the training I had to go to my flat to sort out some problems with new tenants who have just moved in. I had finished my training yesterday and one of the women who is on the training course with me saw me in the office and asked me what I was doing later. I explained that I had to return to pack because I had nothing done. She then invited me to an evenings chanting with her. I have heard her before and that time her voice was so deep and resonant that the hairs stood up on the back of my neck. The 'YES' that came from my mouth had nothing to do with me, it came from that part of me that misses an open spiritual connection. She was delighted with the immediacy of my response and said that afterwards she would give me a lift to the station.

I went with her to set up and the evening was just amazing. She plays something that looks like an accordion and also the drum and this together with her deep voice honouring Shiva made the hour and a half so very special. I really got lost in the chanting. I have chanted before but there was always something holding me back from fully participating. I realise that it was my identity constantly reminding me that wherever I was and whoever I was with, were a threat to me. Now that is all gone, I can let go and be free in a way that is nothing short of miraculous. I just love to see the transformation when I am with my friends now. I met a friend on Friday night and I was newly amazed at how much more connected to her I felt and how I could really listen and be there and not have any concerns for myself. Usually when I say goodbye to this friend it is me who usually says 'I'll call you' but when we left on Friday night she said 'I'll call you and she did to say what a great evening it had been'. If I never get anything else from this training I have more than I ever dreamed of.

What seems also strange is that my mad desire to be a leader for children and young people is not as obsessive as it was. Now that it is not to avoid the adult world I don't feel the same compulsion. There are certain results I have to achieve on this training in order to go further and in the past I wouldn't entertain the notion that I wouldn't get these results, now it doesn't seem so important. I will still play full out for these results and I believe passionately in what this training can offer and I will continue to share myself and what I am getting and intend to inspire others to look at it for what is possible for them but if having done all that I don't get the results then that is the way it is meant to be. I am so unbelievably happy.

I returned last night and spoke with my flatmate. Then I went into my room and looked around and had a moments dread as I really saw all there was to do to pack everything up. My inner voice told me to go to bed and get up early this morning and this is what i did. I set 2 reminders for 5.30am and when both went off got up and was so intentional and focussed to get every thing done for the removal man who was coming at 10am. And all without any stress. All of this is amazing and surely it can't all be coming from having the integrity of not being in a job I hate and building a career doing what I love...it can't be....but it sure feels like this is the way to live a life that works.

But life is life and has the rough as well as the smooth. What I am finding though is that I am growing in my ability to have equanimity with both the rough and the smooth. The only time that I do get very stressed is when I can't get an internet connection or I think that I don't have a signal like what happened to me when I first got to this place today. But writing this everything has been sorted out.

Tomorrow I have to think about more promotion for my next evening on spiritual awakening through the chakras which is on 26 November. I am already....so excited.....thinking about it...

My life...as a spiritual teacher....began last night....

Five people came to the first of my workshops on spiritual awakening and it was a great evening. My words flowed like they have never done before and I could tell by the attention and interest I felt that what I was saying was being recognised by the deepest part of those who were there. The chakra system makes such a lot of sense to me even though I cannot vouch for the physical evidence of the chakras. I only going to specialise on the chakras as taught by Alice Bailey who channeled such information from the Ascended Master Djwal Khul. When I was being trained as a Reiki healer many years ago it was this Master's card I pulled when we were all asked to pull a blind card from the pack of Ascended Masters. It is his photograph I carry in my purse and it is him that I feel close to. If I was a bit less scared I am also sure that I could be a channel through which he could channel but somehow I don't want to go down this route.

I feel such a great relief to have a framework within which I can place the powerful experiences I have had. One thing is for sure and that is that if I hadn't had these powerful experiences I wouldn't be teaching. I don't know how teachers set themselves up without having an experience. I was drained enough after last night and that was with the authenticity and credibility that comes with experience. Teaching the spiritual on the basis of concepts and without any direct experience must be so difficult. And yet having experiences is not the answer either because then those who hear about the experiences want to have them themselves and this is something that I can't yet do. It may be that I will go to India and spent some time with a yogi master and become initiated in a lineage that will allow me to give what is known in the East as Shaktipat initiation. This is an initiation to have the kundalini energy rise from the base of the spine safely and naturally. At one point last night when everyone was meditating on a powerful chakra I had the fleeting thought 'what will I do if this energy rises spontaneously in one or more of the people here'. Then I immediately let it go and trusted in the innate intelligence of the energy or to be more precise the fire that burns away the etheric web that separates the physical from the emotional resulting in harmony in mind and body.

Having finished my first one, I am so excited at the thought of doing my next one which is on 26 November. It is so great to have a permanent space that I can advertise. My partner is very reasonable also just renting it for £6 per hour. Money and spirituality is a funny thing. There seems to be a belief that the spiritual can be had for nothing but that is the farthest thing from the truth. Giving is a fundamental law of the universe if we want to receive. That is why I had no qualms about explaining that the suggested donation for the workshop was £5 but if that was too much then whatever they had would be great, the important thing is to......give something....in order to receive more.....

What has really happened......is that my throat chakra has opened..

Yesterday morning I woke up and whether or not it is because I have been working on my unified theory of spiritual awakening through the chakras but I had the clearest intuition that what has happened is that my throat chakra which is the chakra of self-expression has now opened. I had myself caught up in some childhood drama which could have absolutely nothing with what has happened. If this is the case then it means and I don't mean to sound egotistical or arrogant that five out of my seven chakras are now opened. This is so unbelieveably exciting to me and demonstrates to me without any doubt that the I am no longer walking the path of chakra awakening I have become the path. I am like a child who has discovered a self-expression and it is just amazing. I walked around looking at people with so much love and compassion.

Bookings for my workshop on spiritual awakening through the chakras have taken off to the point that I have had to close the poll. I know how powerful the evening will be now that all of the limitations on my self-expression have been removed and this chakra is active. I also understand why I haven't been able to see these chakras energetically - this seeing is going to come when the 6th chakra - The Third Eye opens. I think this is the reason why I now have to teach. I have gone as far as I can on my own and now it is about sharing and giving what I know and have experienced myself to others so that my consciousness can shift to the next stage in preparation for the awakening of the final two chakras. What has struck me is the time it takes for these chakras to open. The powerful experience I had on a meditation retreat in Devon where my heart chakra opened was in 1998/9 (can't honestly remember) so that's a nine or ten year wait between chakras...aagh....at this rate I'm not going to have them all open and activate before I shuffle off this mortal coil but one thing is for sure I am going to end my life working towards this goal to show others that it is possible in one lifetime.

Any hesitation I had about developing myself into a chakra expert as the access to spiritual awakening has totally disappeared. The only concern was that I was speaking about a system which has never been scientfically proven or that I haven't seen and one thing this blog has been careful to do is not to speak about anything that I haven't personally experienced. So while I have experienced symptoms that seem very like chakra awakenings I don't know this for sure and this has been my reluctance in taking up this mantle. All of these concerns are now gone and I know without any doubt how the process of spiritual awakening and enlightenment happens and I just can't wait to get out there and share it with as many people as I can.

These days I am awake and so alive in the early hours of the morning. Yesterday sitting and having coffee I had to be careful not to stare at people because I just can't seem to take my eyes of them......there is nothing to protect anymore therefore......there is no fear....

I know people...are still the same but to me now...they are so different...

I cannot believe how different I feel with people now. Gone is the nagging unease and tension that I always had and the need to leave after a certain length of time. I can be with people in a way that I never dreamed was possible. I understand now that what I have had for people is a distinction called 'already always listening' and that is the assertion that all of us listen to people through a filter of our views and opinions. My already always listening for adults were that they were a threat to me. Given that it was this that had priority and dominance over any efforts I made to make a difference it is a miracle that I have managed to achieve as much as I have and to have as many friends as I have. How much communication and connection is possible when I was consumed with protecting myself from a threat that didn't exist. I am so grateful to them for sticking by me when I must have given new meaning to the word frustration.

Life has speeded up enormously since this realization. I placed an ad in a local paper for my unified model of spiritual awakening through the chakras and over the weekend I had seven people call and book a place for Thursday evening. What struck me was that I found it so easy to write the ad, the words just came so freely. Now there is nothing between me and what I am passionate about and want to do as a living. I am so unbelievably grateful for this training I am doing. I know that without the rigour that this leadership breakthrough education, training and coaching provides that I would probably have got into old age wondering about the underlying unease that was always there for me with adults and not understanding why. I was speaking with a friend about how the nature of human being is to make things mean something. She told me that she had discovered something similar to me but many years ago when she went into therapy. She had been hurt by her dad but she had generalised it to all men and surprise surprise found that she wasn't able to have a relationship. I did exactly the same thing except I widened it to all adults which sounded the death knell for me being powerful in the adult world up to now.

The training I am on promises that things that have never moved are now going to move and I can see this so much in action. Just yesterday I received a phone call from the people who run the next stage of the training for becoming a leader especially for young people and teenagers to ask me if I was still committed. I nearly jumped into the phone with the intensity of my response absolutely, more now than ever but this time it comes from a place of authenticity not as a pretence to escape the adult world for a bit longer. I still believe that I can make a difference to children and young people and that is where I want to go. It's going to take something from me though, I am very aware of that.

Things are also moving on the journalism front. I will be writing for Wellbeing magazine on a regular basis and also having the events that are being run by Deep Connection featured in it on a regular basis. I am so excited about all of this. I see now that my reluctance to pitch to editors my ideas in the mind, body, spirit field was down to firstly the unreal threat that I perceived in all people. The freedom I have now is difficult to do justice to. I think the best proof of it would be to speak to the friend that I stayed with for the weekend. She and me are very different and in the past I kept her around because my machinery or identity needed her criticism and impatience to feed the belief that adults were a threat. It was all so different this weekend, we laughed, joked. I had stayed with her before and it never entered my head to make tea for her in the morning. This weekend it felt like the most natural thing in the world to do. She has an beautiful adopted daughter and slept in the room with her to give me her bed. On Saturday morning both of them came into me and we all laughed and joked until 12pm. It was so special and would never ever have happened in the past.

As a result of this experience I am so committed to everyone identifying the machinery that is limiting their experience of life and of what is possible. I still feel that something major is coming in 2012 and interestingly there is a film soon to be released which will really bring it to the forefront of consciousness. I feel so strongly that the shift is going to happen when the machinery of human being is unconcealed. Interestingly I think it's the last book of the bible 'Revelations' and revelation means the exposing of that which was hidden.

The next couple of days I am going to spend preparing my workshop on spiritual awakening. Now it feels right to delve deeply into the chakras even though there is no scientific evidence for their existence. My experiences and how life transforms matches what the psychics have said happens....when chakras open......

Last night was just so special......

Last night I opened Deep Connection with my friend Lotus. 13 people came and it was a great evening. Three of the people booked up for my spiritual awakening workshop next Thursday. What was most miraculous for me though was that at 11pm I was still sitting with everyone and I was so relaxed and connected to everyone. In the past the unconscious driver that adults were a threat would have been at fever pitch at about 1opm and without my awareness would have driven me to leave everyone. I see everything so clearly and for me it is like being born again. To have such an ease and love and connection to everyone. Another effect of this is that I wasn't in the least bit self-conscious. Now I see that the self-consciousness was there to protect myself. When there is nothing to protect all that there is authenticity and that was what I was last night completely authentic and in integrity doing what I love and am passionate about.



The evening was an evening about mindfulness and I was struck again by how easy it is to hold an evening when it is based on the teachings of somebody else. My three stage theory of how the consciousness arrives at an enlightened state is mine alone and as I am still unknown in this field I realised that I have to find a way to hang this theory off something that is already established. Walking back home last night I was hit by a way to do this. The two awakening experiences I had involved the freeing of blocked energy from the chakras. I can relate my experiences to these chakras and I can base my spiritual awakening workshops on awakening these chakras and then at the end speak about the three stages the consciousness goes through to become awakened and ultimately enlightened. This has inspired me so much. I know so much about the chakras and with the faith that they do exist in the subtle energy body even though there was been no scientific validation for their existence, the system is well enough known for me to be able to make it my own and provide a powerful chakra meditation for those who come next Thursday evening.



It is going to take a while for me to become established but I know that with my new found ease and comfort around people that I now have, it is going to happen. I've just looked at my emails and found one from the publisher of my book from the India High Commission saying that it will cost 3500 Euros to translate and edit my book into Hindi and that they are going to go ahead once she gives the confirmation. This is quite incredible and yet on another level it's not at all. I can't help feeling that once the book is translated into Hindi that things are going to move very fast for me. I realise now why I didn't make the request to go with my publisher to the High Commission when she met with the head of the cultural division, I didn't want to because of my unconscious fear of adults. When I first got the news that the book was going to be translated I felt a minute of elation which was closely followed by this sense of doom and apprehension which I knew wasn't anything to do with anything I have written being found to be fraudulent or dishonest. I couldn't put my finger on just what the apprehension was, now I know exactly what was there operating beneath my consciousness. What was there for me immediately and although hidden from my view was an unconscious thought of 'oh no, yet more adults to be a threat to me'. I can't bear to think what life would have been like if I hadn't unconcealed this unconscious driver.



I am also very lucky though in that I have been on this path for so long that now when something is about to unconceal itself I have a certain inkling consciously that something is not quite right. I had begun to think that my obsession with making a difference to children and young people and ignore adults was a bit skewed in some way. I was uncomfortable with the stand I was taking for children and young people and I didn't know why. To be free of all of that and to be excited at the thought of going out to all people as a spiritual leader is worth everything to me. There is more to be unconcealed I am aware of that because identity formation is long and deep but as long as I am vigilant and not projecting anything onto others or circumstances but taking it on inside and looking to see what is missing then this journey will continue for me.....but it does get exhausting...