The day I decided when I was 11 to leave the family and put myself into boarding school was the moment when I became an outsider in my family. It is a decision I have always regretted but the impact of it is still very much present when I return home. My family have an unease and a warriness about me and I have to take responsibility for this. I came home with a special mission which was to deliver invitations for a home introduction I am hosting for the training I am doing. It's not been easy to give these invitations. Those members of my family that I most want to share this work with and what the work makes possible are the ones who won't even allow me to share or allow me to make a contribution. It is so frustrating and I have to remind myself that it is only a game and that it is empty and meaningless. Everyone has the right to choose and to choose no and the lesson for me is not to make it mean anything. No is not personal, it's not no to me as a person, it's just a no for what I am inviting people to.
It is also harder because in the past I needed this resistance and antagonism to feed my belief that adults were a threat to me. I no longer need this so now I am feeling deep hurt and such a lot of confusion and uncertainty. I know that my identity is taking a battering here at home this time and I'm not sure what is going to emerge out of the fire. I stood up to my brother in a way I never have done before. I was amazed at how I could do this and feel no fear or dread like there was in the past. Going around giving the invitations to my relatives I was struck by how simple and straightforward their lives seem to be and at one point I felt a stab of envy for this kind of life. At this point in time I feel like some kind of plaything for the Gods. Yesterday was a tough day going around with the invitations and then this morning when I woke up I was planning where I would go with the invitations today. I'm like something possessed about giving out these invitations. My feelings don't come into it. I gave my word to come home to do this and I am not leaving until I have them all given out....
This is exactly what I am being trained in....to be a bold leader in the face of no agreement....now it's for them to see what's possible for themselves and their lives from this breatkthrough education and training but in the future it's to be effective in compassionately challenging the identity to enable a mass awakening of consciousness and ultimately a compassionate and connected world. This is my empowering context that I keep close to me at every moment. Without it I would have given up a long time ago.....
