Friday, 10 August 2007

Be very careful about what you wish for......

In my last entry I threw down the gauntlet to the universe with my words 'bring it on'...and boy did the universe 'bring it on', it 'brought it on' in spades today. Looking back I wrote those words in a mind set of confidence bordering on arrogance and on the spiritual path this attitude is punished severely.

This bringing down to size didn't happen first thing in the morning. I woke up early and happy. Lay in bed gazing out of the window connecting with something and feeling relaxed and happy. Got ready and went to the gym and had a good workout.

Then I went into work...turned on the computer...put in my password and waited...and waited....and then an error message came up. Disbelieving because this is something I do every morning. I tried again...and again.. and again...but without any success. Accepting defeat I called our IT department. I explained that I always used this password and it always worked. Exasperated the guy said 'well it's not working now' aagh.... He said 'did you try another password' errr....I said 'no I never thought of that'...duh.. He said 'try another password' which I did and the bloody thing worked. I felt so stupid.

This feeling of humiliation and of being stupid was overwhelming and I couldn't seem to bring myself out of it. It was my brother's birthday today and up until two years ago we were close. Something happened and that closeness isn't there anymore. I decided to send him a text for his birthday. He replied saying that the cost of the new car which mum has recently bought is going to split between my 2 brothers and me and telling me that my share was over £1500. I couldn't believe this. Mum has had this new car for months. I was recently at home and he could have spoken to me about it then instead of ignoring me as he did. Instead he chose to respond to a birthday text saying this, throwing back my greeting in my face.

I was devastated. But this is a blog about the spiritual journey and somewhere in the pain of this is something for me to learn. At lunchtime I went for a walk and sat underneath a waterfall and the sound of the falling water really soothed and comforted me. Gradually the blackness lifted and I had some space to think without being so caught up in it. To think about it as an observer, detached and without emotion.

Sitting looking and listening to the waterfall. I remembered something I learned when was studying Buddhism. I learned that we suffer when we make things mean more than they are. It is not the things that happen to us which cause us to be happy or sad but what we make them mean, the interpretation we put on them. When I stopped feeling sorry for myself and dried my eyes I asked myself 'what are the facts of this situation'? 'What is true and cannot be doubted'? 'What really happened'?

What happened is that I sent him a text and he sent me one back. That's all that happened in reality. I feel that my brother doesn't like me so because this is what I believe, everything that he does is interpreted through that belief. I got upset because the way in which he did it seemed to confirm my belief 'he doesn't like me', and that's why I got upset.

What I realised is that if my belief was that I have a good relationship with him and we are close. Then I would have interpreted the text differently. I might have thought, 'he didn't get a chance to speak to me about this when I was at home the last time; my text triggered his memory that he needed to sort this out and he never thought about the effect his text would have'. This interpretation is much more empowering and powerful than the interpretation I put on it that 'he didn't like me'. I was amazed at this and made the choice to interpret the text in the latter way. As a result the experience did not bring me down for the rest of the day. I'm sure it would have done if I had taken the other interpretation as truth. I don't know the truth of either interpretation but I do know which one will empower me and which will bring me down. And I choose to be empowered.

I have learned such a lesson today. On the first cycle of this spiritual journey of transformation I suffered because of arrogance and thinking I knew everything. I was cruelly shown that I don't and had vowed not to allow myself to get that arrogant and here I had done the same thing again. What has changed between my fall last time and this time, is that I recognise the lessons now and accept them. Even without a teacher I understand what is going on. I have the writings of Irwina Tweedie and her recollections of how her guru punished her when she displayed an arrogance and a 'know it all attitude' which is nothing more than the ego-mind in action. In the place of the guru I have the Universe and it is as just as harsh a teacher. I appreciate that to someone who doesn't understand what walking a spiritual path involves this entry is not going to make much sense. For someone who understands a little of the agony and ecstasy which is characteristic of this path this entry may reassure, at least that is my hope......

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