Friday, 17 August 2007

Feelings will never lie.....

This morning I woke up with a great sense of peace. I also felt more inspired than I have for a long time. I know that this has everything to do with the evening yesterday with the organisation that works for transformation. Up until last night there was an ache, a kind of hunger which I couldn't seem to fill. I thought it was the lack of a relationship yet any efforts in that direction were a disaster. I am inspired by the possibility that I can make a difference to the life of another. That someone can have a magical life because of something I might say to bring about transformation.

Transformation is not about changing. Transformation is not about wanting things to be more, better, different than they are. It is about seeing what is not working in life and giving it up for something else. This organisation is calling me to be bigger than I want to be. I can't do the work I want to do on my own. I will do it within this organisation. Up to now I was resistant to getting more involved with this organisation in terms of doing any kind of voluntary work. Resistance is an interesting phenomena. In the past my resistance took the form of 'it's just cheap labour for the organisation'. I felt so justified in thinking this. As a result the first voluntary agreement I took on was a disaster because part of me was feeling used and exploited.

What I refused to see was how much my team members cared about me, tried to engage me into talking about my life where I would like it be transformed. I didn't engage with any of this and so all I was doing was compaining inwardly. As a result the agreement didn't work. When I explained that this voluntary work wasn't for me there was complete acceptance from the manager. A few searching questions were asked which had my resistance at full peak so there was no possibility of my defences being broken through.

What I now realize is that these people are skilled at recognising resistance and its different levels and this is why nobody is ever written off. All graduates are called from time to time. They realize the importance of timing. On Friday when I was called my resistance was low and so I agreed to give it another go. I am so pleased that I have. Last night I heard how it is as important that the volunteers have the same kind of a transformed life as I will be trying to create for the graduates who I will be calling. I saw none of this the last time. There is a part of us which does not want us to grow and transform, I call this the 'me' of Buddhism. Then there is a far bigger part which gets excited about all of this and that is the 'I'. Resistance is the 'me' and at the beginning is so strong. It is only now that I see just how strong my 'me' resistance was and yet I wasn't happy. I felt so acutely that there was something missing. Now that I have gone through the resistance I see what is available for me. Caught up in the resistance I could see nothing.

The energy of making a difference and the potential and excitement of that stayed with me all day. Even when I put the cheque in the post for my brother this didn't dampen how good I felt. Sitting having a coffee and looking out at trees I felt this deep wave of contentment well up from deep within me. It was so strong that it seemed to move me at a deep physical level. I was amazed.

This evening I had my last acupuncture session. Six weeks ago I was feeling quite low. I had lost my cousin who was only 47 and was married with 7 children the oldest 16 and the youngest 4. Even though I consider myself to be so spiritual understanding that we are only passing through this life, his death hit me hard. I found it impossible to see why 7 children had to be left without a dad who did everything and was everything for his family. I was feeling down and was walking along one of the streets near where I live when I saw a Chinese medical shop. I thought I would go in and say I was feeling a bit down and see if there was any kind of supplement I could take. The Dr took my pulse and asked to see my tongue. Then she said 'depression'. This really surprised me.

Many years ago I had a spiritual experience which happened a couple of weeks after I had taken a hash cookie at a friends party. Because the experience did not happen at the time of taking the cookie I didn't relate it to this. After the experience I was convinced that I had a spiritual destiny. I cut myself off from the world, isolating myself in my flat, reading and writing. I let all my friends go. Then I met a guy who had a masters degree in philosophy. When I told him everything about my life he ruthlessly burst my bubble by making the link between the hash cookie 2 weeks earlier and the experience while meditating. He explained that the change of environment i.e. a meditation retreat, together with prolonged meditation sessions, and the reduced food intake awakened the remains of whatever amount of the drug was left in my brain and it was this that produced the experience. I was devastated, my world came crashing down. I couldn't see a way through and went to the GP who prescribed a mild dose of an antidepressant. I just told her I had had a shock, a kind of bereavement. She didn't ask any more questions, only wrote the prescription which I was grateful for.

I didn't stay on them very long. After I did the first training weekend with the organisation of transformation I saw exactly what story I had been telling myself and felt such freedom in the seeing. I came home and threw the pills away. Now four years later here it was back again. But this time I knew that there would be no anti-depressants. The Dr recommended a course of acupuncture which I agreed to. The next day I felt so full of energy again. What I realize now is that bouts of depression are common on this path. With regard to whether or not it was the drug which caused the experience opinion is divided. Some tell me that it doesn't stay in the brain that long, others say that it can. I remain humble because the truth is that I don't know.

I've just received a text from my brother acknowledging my text to him that I have sent the money...feelings don't lie..and my feeling is that I have done the right thing......

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