I've done irreparable damage to the relationship between my brother and me today. Last night my parents called me and in spite of all my bravado I was really hurt by the way my brother had dealt with things with me. I couldn't bring myself to call him and so I was very abrupt with my parents. They were understandably bewildered by me acting so out of character.
I had been feeling bad for being the way I was with them and I called them to say I was sorry. I ended up telling them the way in which Pat asked for the money from me. They were so shocked. They knew nothing about it. It seems that Pat wasn't going to tell mum that I had put up a third of the money for the car. It also turns out that Dad had said that because I wasn't living at home that I wasn't going to have to pay for the building work to the house. Pat knew this so why he involved me with quotes and rough estimates is beyond me. I'm not proud of what I have done. I could make excuses and say that 'it just came out' but to do this would be to take the coward's way out and that I won't do.
It's all very well saying that now but where was my mindfulness when I was speaking with my parents. I reverted back to the complaining child who always ran to my parents when Pat hurt me. As I write this I feel ashamed but there is nothing I can do. The damage is done. I must accept that as a result of this that it is likely that any reconciliation with my brother is now out of the question. He will see what I did out of malice and spite to get him into trouble. This is not what I meant to do. I wanted some answers about the building work. I know that this explanation or justification is not good enough to justify me not having had the courage to pick up the phone and speak to him about it. In hindsight the conversation couldn't have been any worse than how he is probably going to be with me in the future as a result of my action.
My barometer for how much I am living in the flow of life comes with how many things go wrong. When things begin to go wrong. I stop and ask myself where am I going off track. Driving home from work I kept waiting for something terrible to happen, someone to run into me but nothing. The journey was smooth, I even got a car parking space. So while I think I've behaved abominably and should be punished, the universe is still its kind benevolent self...or is this the calm before the family storm.....
It's scary how easy it is for life to turn from being easy to being so uncertain. I woke up early this morning and got up immediately. I had no desire to go to the gym. Instead I had an overpowering urge to meditate and write which is what I did. I had bought a DVD of talks which Eckhart Tolle had given on a retreat in Findhorn when I was in Bath and I had a strong urge to begin to watch some of this. It's strange I want to write something about what he says but my mind is giving me a hard time with thoughts like 'how can you have the nerve to write anything spiritual given what you have done to your brother' In every case actions speak louder than words and this evening I don't feel spiritual so I'm not going to be a hypocrite and pretend to be. It's going to be a short blog this evening...I guess makes up for some of the more lengthier entries.
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2 comments:
Why are you so keen to take all the responsibility for this situation?
This is a very good question. The whole aim of the spiritual journey is the subservience of the ego to the soul. The ego operates each time one says 'I am right and the other wrong'. When I read your comment I was once again reminded of the comment made by Irwina Tweedie in her book Daugher of Fire she said 'criticise yourself constantly and you may get somewhere'
As I wrote in the profile to this blog. This is a journal of what I consider to be the 2nd cycle of spiritual transformation. The 1st ended with the movement of energy which resulted in expanded awareness. On this 2nd cycle I am trying to faithfully replicate what I did and how I was on the 1st cycle.
This taking on total responsibility for something is essential to this path. When something goes wrong it is never the fault of the other, it's always mine for not being mindful enough, not coming from love etc, etc. One comment which was often made to me on the 1st cycle was that I was 'too hard on myself'. On a spiritual path this is the best compliment you can get.
But there is a need to be careful. On the 1st cycle I know that my self-esteem was low. This practice can be honey to low self-esteem because it means you beat yourself up even more which is not the aim of the spiritual journey. It is the disciplining of the ego from a point of high self-esteem not low self-esteem.
This turning everything back on oneself lifts the vibrations of the body preparing it for the movement of energy which enables the possibility of living an enlightened present life.
At the end of this process what emerges is not full of ego and 'me' but something far more humbler.
Thank you for your comment.
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