The danger of being definite....

My fantasy together with my turbulent mind followed me into bed last night. I should know better than to write such things 'I won't' 'I never'. When I write in this definite fashion I am shown that this is not the way. In my last post I wrote that I don't feel desire. In bed last night I was consumed with such desire that I did not know what to do with myself, such sexual thoughts and feelings so agonising. I couldn't sleep for absolutely ages. Why is it always like this. I think that I have worked something out to find that I really haven't a clue and am once again thrown into confusion.

In spite of the troubled night I woke up early and felt refreshed. I felt an urge to meditate. I sat down with some apprehension because I have been here many times before. I feel the urge to meditate, I sit down and immediately the mind drives me mad with thoughts. I try one technique, then decide that's no good, and then I try another. The time crawls by. I don't seem to be getting anywhere and then I give up. In that way I am not a good spiritual student. Maybe it's a cop out but I consider the most effective meditation is when I am cycling or walking through nature. This morning though was different. I didn't feel the time pass and I seemed to reach a depth although I don't know if that was just me daydreaming or sleeping on my stool! When I finished I didn't feel an immediate urge to move. I was content to sit with nothing in my mind. It was a beautiful moment. I often have these moments in that stage between sleeping and waking but this is the first time I have had such an experience through meditation.

I went to work early because I had a dentist appointment. Before going to the dentist I left the IT department with my computer. I had brought my computer home on Friday for the weekend to make sure that everything was working. When I am out sick for 8 weeks I will use it at home. Wouldn't you just know it. I bring it home, plug it in, put in the relevant cables and look at the screen expectantly..NOTHING...I hiss and grunt, pull out cables here, put them in there, get a couple of drop down menus and click something. I realise I have no idea what it is I am supposed to be doing. Still nothing. Totally frustrated and fed up with technology that seems to make a laughing stock of me. I turn on my own trusty home computer and gradually my hatred of things with plugs subsides.

I left my laptop to IT while I went to the dentist. Came back, reclaimed my laptop. The IT guy reassured me now that everything was working. I bring it back to my desk, snap it into the box which is behind it, put in my usual password; up comes 'INCORRECT PASSWORD' aagh...this is my usual password. I am so like monkey see, monkey do, when it comes to the computer. If I see it done once then this is what I do. I never thought to look at what was in the username box. So used have I been to just putting in my password that when that didn't work, I had exhausted both my training and my powers of thinking laterally which are lamentable at the best of times. Almost crying with frustration at this point, my work colleague takes pity and calls up the IT department and explains in a slow and patronising fashion what had happened when the laptop was in IT. Through a complicated process which resulted in me returning to my original password (because all I had to really do was change the username...duh...) I once again had a working computer.

But the cost to me is massive. I am sitting here now with a blinding headache, feeling stupid and all around me the technology talk is so deafening that I am going to scream if they don't shut up. It's an alien language at odds with the Queen's English and shouldn't be allowed. I was going to work late here tonight but I'm so tired that I can hardly keep my eyes open. I know tiredness is a form of resistance but what is it that I am resisting....I wish I knew.

I'm looking forward to the 2nd programme of 'Enemies of reason' with Richard Dawkins later this evening. He is having a go at faith healing tonight. I don't doubt that people have mystical/spiritual experiences, I have them myself. The important thing is not to get lost in them. To always think is this something that I can use to the benefit of others. I don't believe in going to lofty states without being able to bring some of it back to transform life. I am not intersted in expanded or altered states of consciousness just for the sake of having them. My sole interest in having them is to bring about a happier and transformed world. They are of no use to me if nothing changes in the world.

To give an example. If for some reason I was able to move a glass with my mind from one side of a table to another, and word got out that I could do this, then every hall in the country would be filled with people wanting to hear what I had to say. But in truth what does it mean? Yes, it demonstrates some kind of mind power but in terms of bringing about world peace or ridding the world of all the tension and conflict it is useless in doing this. As I write Uri Geller comes to mind and how he can pack any venue he is speaking at. And why...because he can bend metal spoons by a combination of light stroking of the spoon and his mind. Because he can do this people come from far and near to hear him speak. This kind of response can lead quickly to ego inflation and also to getting pidgeon-holed and unable to move on. The last time I heard him speak, he was trying to speak about the where of his powers. Unfortunately all the people wanted to see him do was to bend a spoon. This to me is sad.

But it is common to feel sort of 'special' or 'chosen' after an experience of this kind. I wear a contact lens in my left eye, my right eye doesn't respond to any lens. I remember once going swimming soon after one of these profound experiences and seeing everything so clear. I was convinced that the experience had cured my blurred vision. It was only later I realised that I had forgotten to take out my contact lens the night before. So one has to be so careful with profound experiences to remain grounded and centered. I have found humility and adopting a witness attitude so that you don't get absorbed in to be the greatest protection.

I fell asleep on my sofa at 8pm so missed the programme, didn't wake up until 1am....so unlike me....what is going on?