The ups and downs of the path

Yesterday morning I woke up early and instead of getting up immediately I fell back to sleep. I never remember my dreams but this one I remembered. I was putting things together so they were all neatly in a place and when I had finished 'thought that's all sorted now' and then suddenly everything fell down and was all mixed up. Then I went to speak to some people and they walked away from me because I smelled. I woke up feeling very unsettled. My interpretation of this dream is 'not to think that I have everything sorted or that I know everything. The fact that nobody would speak to me shows that I still have such a lot of work to do'.

I took the message from the dream and applied it while I was spinning (group cycling) in the gym. I said to the universe ' I know that in me there is still such a lot of ego but 1% of me is genuine. Work with that and make it stronger and I will work on those parts of my mind which continue to mislead and inflate my ego'. I can appreciate how strange this kind of thinking is to someone who is not following a spiritual path. For me the universe is not an intangible substance but it is living and breathing and is Divine. I treat it like I would a friend.

Later that day I met my friend and we went down to Portobello market. I had never been there before and I was struck by all the sights and smells and actvities. It was fascinating to see. Afterwards we went for a drink in Richmond and onwards to a party. I resolved some time ago to speak about the spiritual path when I meet people and the reactions to me when I do this are so varied. Some are interested, with others I can see their eyes glaze over. Then I change the subject. All I want to do is to sow the seeds. The nurturing will come later if it is meant to be. I enjoy meeting people and am easy around them. When the heart chakra awakens at one of the initiations it results in not seeing the personality, but the soul of people (which is one). In this way there is no perception of separation which results in being able to achieve a deep connection easily and quickly. I have noticed this more and more. I am relaxed with people and they in turn relax with me.

Early this morning I woke up and lay there listening to the radio. It was Sunday service on radio 4. I don't attend mass because when I was 11 I learned there was a difference between being spiritual and being religious. I chose to be spiritual and while I didn't rebel in terms of not going to mass (this would be impossible because of spending from age 11 to 18 in all girls Catholic boarding school run by nuns) I knew there was a difference and I would spend hours pondering on what these differences were. I knew vaguely what religious meant and involved. I didn't know anything of what spiritual was but there was such a fascination and mystery about the word which hooked me from the first moment heard it.

This morning the priest was giving a sermon about Paul's conversion on the road to Damascus. This is recorded in the bible as an event whereby Saul on his way to persecute Christians felt a blinding flash of light which blinded him and he heard the voice of Jesus. After this he was a changed man - he had been reborn as Paul. There are many stories about people being reborn and I often wonder about this experience and think about my experience in relation to it.

On a meditation retreat in Devon I was lifted up with energy. I had the experience of being raised up and violently rocked. Afer a while the vibration would die down only to rise again. This continued and then I remembered the principle of surrender. I like to meditate on a meditation stool and I had my legs wrapped around the stool so I knew that I was grounded. To surrender meant letting go of the security. I waited for the next vibration which was very intense and lifted me up so high. I took my feet from the stool and said 'I surrender' but only to the light. I don't remember seeing any light. The experience wasn't frightening just completely absorbing. I didn't speak about it to anyone because it was so new and I didn't want to run the risk of damaging it by speaking.

Was I reborn? Is this what this experience was. I had no visit from Jesus of any other deity but when it was finished I felt that I had just gone through an initiation of some kind. After this my levels of peace and calm increased and I had an ease and a joy with life that I didn't have before. The experience happened within me. It didn't come from anything outside of me and for that reason there is a power which lies within all of us. When this power rises the human body is transcended and a spiritual body emerges. I believe that the rising of this energy is the beginning of the spiritual body. I know that since this experience in 1999 I have such a deep understanding of spiritual truths and I have direct realizations which are difficult to put into words.

I can give an example. Put one lighted candle in a room filled with mirrors. The perception is that there are lots of candles which are separate. The truth is that there is just one candle but many manifestations. This is the most deepest of spiritual truths which is waiting to be realized by people on a grand scale. There is just the one energy which has an infinite variety of forms. Like the firework which begins off as one but then explodes into the many, but the many came from the one. To realize this at a soul level and not a mind level is to understand the entire play of what Buddhists call Maya or the world of illusion.

Sometimes all of my spiritual thinkings, ponderings leave me lonely and I think 'if I had a partner it might give me more balance'. I believe that we develop along specific lines, so there is the physical line of development, the emotional, intellectual, social and spiritual lines of development. To overemphasis one is likely to stunt the growth of one or more of the others. I know that my emphasis on the spiritual for so many years shunning any long term intimate relationship has resulted in me being child-like when it comes to emotions and desire and all things like that. The result of this is that when I am speaking to a guy and the conversation gets flirtatious that I want to run. I find myself pannicking and feeling that I am out of my depth. It's like emotionally I'm still at the stage of a blushing shy teenager.

And yet I would love to have a committed intimate relationship because I think that it's in relationship where we get to know ourselves. When we live alone there is nobody to push our buttons to show us parts of ourselves that might never show themselves. I live alone and do exactly what I want to do when I want to do it. This is not conducive to full and honest self-awareness. Yet I'm clumsy around guys and as this seems to be a world where women are the hunters and men just sit back, this level of assertiveness is not what I feel comfortable with. All through my life relationships have been problematic. I find it hard enough to figure out what's going on in my own mind without trying to communicate it to someone else. As a result my relationships have been characterized by much confusion, soul searching and a great feeling of loneliness even when in them for the short time I am. It is like the relationship I am yearing for is not of this physical world if that makes any sense.

I got good news on the workshop. It is all booked up for 1 September. I am calling it The Royal Road to Enlightenment and am going to speak about and give some practical experience of the tools needed to achieve this state. When I sat down to write about the workshop the words tumbled onto the page and so I take from this that this is the right time to be doing this work. But it's not easy. To give an experience to someone which is not mine to give. I got mine by the Grace of the Divine and that Grace is OF and FROM the Divine - nothing to do with me. I can only hope that the power of the experiences I will talk about will touch, move and inspire all of those who come, so they have an experience which will inspire them to take the spiritual journey on and commit to everything it involves and will demand. I am just an instrument, a vehicle through which spirit can fly. I must never forget that I am and will never be more than an instrument. If I always remember that I will be safe....