Call me paranoid.....

I remember when I had my first profound experience of energy rising up through the body that I had episodes of what seemed like mania. All these thoughts were rushing around in my head. Now I understand that the energy when it rose to the crown of the head awakened normally dormant areas of the brain. One of my thoughts was that 'this rising energy and its effects is a secret that has been kept from the masses'. It is what secret societies go to huge lengths to protect'. I don't know where this thought came from or what it was based on. At this time which was a long time ago I was hit by episodes where I had really way out thoughts. It was the Buddhist practice of being the witness of it all which has ensured that I am grounded. I also remember feelings not so much of paranoia but of feeling that I have stumbled onto something that is not common knowledge and that I would have to be careful.

Today some of those thoughts crowded in on me today when I was unable to access the blog. It kept saying 'server error'. My first thought was 'someone doesn't like what I am writing and has taken it off'. I felt the cold clammy hand of fear go around my heart and I was at a loss at what to do. I tried other blogs and had no trouble accessing them, it was only mine. I am aware that some of what I write is controversial but is it so controversial as to warrant the site being taken down...I don't think so. What was interesting was how quickly the thoughts were one's of negativity. I could have thought 'it's down because so many people are reading it! instead the mind created a disempowering context for the event. Why does the mind do this? I am pleased to say that within 15 minutes I could once again access the blog and continue my daily musings. Buddhists see the mind as a seventh sense organ and like the eye as a sense organ has what it sees as its sense object, and ears as the sense organ has what it hears as a sense object, the mind as a sense organ has what we think as a sense object. Thoughts are just products thrown up by the mind. They are not true, but the irony of the human condition is that we are convinced they are.

I was denied the chance to meditate at my group cycling session this morning. There weren't very many of us there and the instructor decided to take an individual approach to the class. This meant for me that everytime I closed my eyes ready to meditate, I was unceremoniously hit on the back and told 'LOOK IN THE MIRROR TO SEE YOUR POSTURE'. Pushing down mounting irritation I said to myself 'inner calm in the face of all of this, inner calm girl'. I'm sure as a result of the thorough tuition I had a better cycling class and my technique was better, but I left it feeling like I had been cheated in some way. This was quite a strange experience.

I am a member of the spiritual cinema circle and have been since the circle started. Every month they send a DVD of films. This month there was a documentary called 'Living Luminaries (on the serious business of happiness). It is a collection of well known writers in the field of spirituality who give their take on how to be happy. Of all of them it was the interviews with Eckhart Tolle which resonated the strongest with me. When I worked as a volunteer for Alternatives I had the privilege of hearing Eckhart speak. He spoke with such calmness and peace that my soul automatically responded. For me, he is a true master. I say this because he had a powerful experience whereby he lost consciousness due to a thought which shocked the mind and jolted it out of its habitual way of being. He had a thought 'I cannot live with myself any longer', then came 'who is I, and who is myself' this revelation produced the shock to the mind without which there is no expansion of consciousness. It is the power of this experience which he tells simply in his book 'The Power of Now' which makes him for me an authentic teacher.

I am wary of teachers who use too many words. The soul is simple. The words it uses are simple and the sentences it speaks short. These sentences come through intuition. For me they come largely as instructions which do not have anything personal associated with them. Many of the so called luminaries on this DVD had lots to say. But it was my own reaction I noticed when I listened to what Eckhart said and my reaction when I listened to the others. To the others it was mind meeting mind and I understood it on this level, for Eckhart, it was soul meeting soul and there was a definite and qualitative difference.

Truth is truth and all teachers have an aspect. I was struck by one man who said the spiritual journey is not about success but significance. It's not about the success of material things but achieving significance so that you become important to someone. Significance is the goal, not success. This really resonated with me and on that note I will end the blog for tonight.