I can't believe it....

I can't believe that I fell asleep on my sofa at 8pm and missed the television programme 'Enemies of reason' last night. I turned down an offer to go to hear a jazz band because I wanted to see this programme. And what happens my consciousness let's me down by checking out and I fall asleep.

This morning I had to have some blood tests which meant fasting from 8pm last night. I didn't like to fast. I'm used to having little snacks (well I think they are little) throughout the evening so to have to fast was alien to my system. I think maybe that is why I crashed on my sofa..it was a sure way of not eating!...strange but true. I had the blood test and while my arm was being prepared, I remembered something the Dalai Lama had said when he gave a talk at Wembley some years ago. He was talking about the importance of keeping the mind calm and stable especially at the time of death. He told the story of how when he went to have a blood test that the nurse couldn't find a vein. She went from one arm to another, he said 'then my mind became agitated, if I was to die then, that would not be good' I thought this was such an apt example of having knowledge but it being difficult to apply when in a specific situation.

I'm giving my speech on Beauty and the Beast tonight at Toastmasters. Because I was so tired I haven't rehearsed it so will have to judge how much to include when I see how fast the lights are going. The speech is going to be evaluated by another member who will tell me what was good, what I could improve on and what made it interesting to listen to. He's just called me and asked me do I have my beauty costume and my beast mask....aagh...mind becomes agitated....where am I going to get all this stuff at short notice....then it goes on the defensive which sounds something like 'it doesn't say in the manual that to pass this speech I have to dress up' Something in me felt threatened which is why I reacted so defensively to him. There was no need for it. I could have laughed it off. I know that this reaction of mine came from my ego and personality and not from the soul. If it came from the soul there would not have been any defensiveness.

Alice Bailey in her books speaks about passing through three halls on the spiritual journey. The first is the hall of ignorance. This is where the material largely dominates. Then there is the hall of learning where the path begins and finally is the hall of wisdom where everything comes together. Sometimes like today I feel firmly in the hall of ignorance. Then I read something and it resonates and I think 'I'm in the hall of learning' and then on those times when I touch a presence or feel close to something that is bigger than me I think 'this is the hall of wisdom' The confusion comes when the consciousness gets shunted back and forth between these halls. It happens to me most often when I think I have figured something out - a big boot - kicks my consciousness firmly back into the hall of ignorance. It can feel like going three steps forward and two steps back. Lately my mantra seems to be 'I'm confused'.

I should take heart by this because it is only in confusion and uncertainty that there is any growth. As I write this I am reminded of the words of a hymn I used to think a lot about when I was a young girl. The words are 'be glad the day you have sorrow, be glad cos then you live' I used to wonder for hours about this thinking 'how does being sad make you live'. There was always something intriguing about this for me, something hidden waiting to be discovered....

I will write how the speech went later on this evening.....