Saturday, 13 October 2007

Restless night.....

When I returned home from writing my blog it was very quiet and I was restless. I had a couple of bottles of Heineken and watched a popular talk show on TV. I was interested to see that one of the interviewees was Gareth Gates. He first appeared on the X factor which is a music competition held on TV in London. The competition was to find the best musical talent. What was amazing about him was that he had such a bad stutter that he could hardly speak, yet when he sang the stutter completely disappeared. Week after week he put himself up on national television knowing how difficult he would find it to speak to answer the comments that the judges would make on how he sang his songs. I was so inspired by him. Many people have an experience where they stand up to do something and then the mind goes blank and they never put themselves in a position where that can happen again. As a result life loses some of its richness. But last night it was a confident and articulate Gareth that was being interviewed. He explained that this perfect speech was down to a special training programme called the McGuire programme. I don't fully understand how it works but seeing how well Gareth can now speak it most definitely works.

This is inspirational because it shows a victory over the past. Gareth himself spoke about this. He talked about a process called cancellation. He explained that he had been on the show some time ago to sing a song. He was asked if he wanted to be interviewed and said 'no'. His interview last night was the cancellation of refusing to be interviewed the last time. This is similar to what I write about the importance of not letting one not so pleasant experience be the reason why similar situations are then avoided in the future. Every time a situation is avoided because of a fear of it not going right, or the fear of looking stupid in front of people then some sparkle goes out of life. .

When I went to bed I was very restless. Vicious thoughts about the purpose of this blog and its usefulness began to torment me. I was being taunted by such thoughts as 'what gives you the right to call this blog a spiritual diary, you don't have a teacher, or guru. You're not attached to any particular school Suddenly my body began to shake. This hadn't happened all week. I have written about this shaking before. It is a shaking that starts in my stomach and the strength of it convulses my body but I never lose consciousness. Afterwards I feel the deepest peace and calm. I went to sleep with lots of unanswered questions.

This morning I woke up happy. I lay in bed looking out of my window and into my mind came three authoritative words from my inner voice. This is how I know that the message is from my inner voice and not from the mind. There are always only three words. These words were 'continue your blog'. That was it. No great chat about what its purpose is or even if it is a spiritual blog or a human rant. There have been times this week writing it that I have felt that it's more about my ego than my soul but there is this drive to continue it. Where does this certainty come from that it is a spiritual blog. That everything that happens to me has a spiritual message which I have a duty to write about. How do I know that what I think is the 2nd cycle of a journey of transformation from human to spiritual is the 2nd cycle. What if that rising of energy from the base of my spine that changed everything was the end of everything. This rising of energy is the sole purpose for this blog. It is reflected in the title of this blog. I have direct experience of this energy and of its power. I know that my spiritual understandings and insights have come as a direct result of the rising of this energy. For me not to write and share what I know because I am scared is pathetic. Ghandhi said 'do not approach the spiritual path if you are afraid'. Without courage nothing is possible.

I said goodbye to my dad today. There is no doubt for me that old age can be the greatest attack on the dignity of the human and yet my dad has so much dignity in the face of so much being taken away. I was not as upset leaving him this time as I was the last time. I feel strongly that we will meet again before too long. I felt worse leaving my mum because all of this is taking its toll on her. I was very torn when I was standing in the airport queue waiting to check in. When I settled myself on the plane I was aware that I wasn't thinking of anything. I closed my eyes to meditate. Immediately the thought 'I wonder whether there will be any cappucino on this plane' came into my mind...aagh...I have a mind that is hell bent on ensuring that I don't do any formal serious meditation. I refused to give up and closed my eyes again. What I noticed this time was that I started to have profound insights. I saw pictorially the line of spiritual development which goes from Body to Soul to Spirit. This came through so clear and precise. The spiritual journey is the merging of the Soul into the Spirit to have the experience of cosmic consciousness. This is an experience where all physical boundaries dissolve into that space of nothingness. There is no consciousness. All that exists is awareness. One becomes aware that one is everything and also that one is nothing. In this state of awareness there is no paradox.

So now I am back in my flat in London. It is an exciting night in London because England is playing France in the Rugby world cup semi-final. Coming back on the tube there was a great atmosphere with people going off to pubs to watch the game. I always feel so happy when I touch down at Stansted. I was born in London and lived here for 11 years. I can travel all over the world but I am happiest when I come back to London. When I came back from my last trip to India 2 years ago, I think I was the only happy person on the plane when we touched down in Heathrow. I can't explain the pull that London has on me. It is even more difficult to understand when all of my family are in Ireland.....

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