Wednesday, 10 October 2007

When everything flows......

When I finished writing my blog yesterday I walked up to the hospital to see my dad. I was worried going up because the night before he had been confused. It had upset me to see him trying to get out of the chair to come home and being angry when he couldn't. This was the memory I had when I was walking up to the hospital. Given a choice I didn't want to go again but it is important not to let one experience be the reason not to go again. When I walked into the ward and saw him sitting in the chair I saw immediately how much better he was and an enormous relief flooded through me. There is a spiritual lesson in this in that so often when we have one not so pleasant experience in an area of life there is a tendency to avoid putting ourselves in that same situation again in case the outcome is the same. But to do this is to shut off the possibility that the same experience could have a different result. If we don't try again then all we are left with is fear and when there is fear there is no power.

My dad is in a ward with 5 other men and he is by far the healthiest of them. The man next to him threw such a tantrum today that the staff nurse asked mum and me to leave. I was concerned for the safety of my dad because he was lashing out with his hands and my dad was sitting close to him. But my dad didn't see any danger in the situation. He sat there as steady as a rock in the ocean. He looked at me and winked as if to say 'look at yer man'. This man is a lot younger than my dad and at one point I looked at my dad so accepting of where he was without any aggression and left such an overwhelming love for him.

Yesterday I spoke with the staff nurse about what the brain scan had revealed. She told me that the left lobe of his brain had been damaged. I thought back to my biology days and I remembered that the brain has four lobes. The frontal, temporal, occipital, and parietal. I have a feeling and I don't know this for sure but I think it is the parietal lobe that is damaged in my dad. When monks are meditating brain scans have shown that it is activity in the parietal lobe that is reduced. As a result the expansion of consciousness where there is a loss of physical space is experienced. This could be why my dad can sit and stare into space for hours being perfectly contented. Maybe my dad was a monk in a former life which is why he is so majestic and accepting of everything. I know people say 'what choice does he have but to be accepting'. But the thing is that he doesn't have to be so accepting. My dad was such a fiercely independent man all his life that it would be kind of natural for him to rebel against the attack on his quality of life which has been systematic and relentless over the last 2 years but he hasn't.

I left the hospital with mum both of us much happier. We came home and to my delight two of my nieces came up to visit. We had a frank and honest chat about life. I love spending time with young people, they are so honest. We talked about the theory I have about the link between the lack of sight in my right eye and how I write about complicated spiritual ideas with ease. They made good points about all the things that I can do that require both eyes and they are right. Yet I know that there is something that is not quite right. I know it every time I go to do the simplest mental arithmetic and get stuck, every time I don't see a practical solution to something that is staring me in the face. I know that I am different. I understand complex occult spiritual literature, that not many do.

But there is something more. My focus on the spiritual means that there is a peace and calm around. Today my mother went shopping and everything she put on fitted her and she was delighted. Everything seems to flow for me and around me. I didn't realise it but when I was flying into my airport, my plane was the only plane that flew into or out of the airport that day! Now I know that you can argue that this is co-incidence but I know that there is something more at work and I am grateful every morning when I wake up and every night when I close my eyes to go to sleep. I have a strong connection to something powerful. This is why I have complete and utter trust in the universe. I think this connection was established when I was nine and prayed for something to happen to prominent front teeth that were making my life a misery. I prayed every night for them to be taken away. One day I was running to school with my hands in the pocket of my coat. The pavement was uneven. I fell and didn't have enough time to take my hands out of my pocket to save my face. I crashed down on the pavement and the two teeth fell out onto the pavement. Result...the two front teeth fell out of my mouth and onto the pavement. Having a prayer answered like this when you are nine is something you don't forget. In my childlike mind God had answered my prayer. I often wonder how different my life would have been if this prayer hadn't been answered.

One of the questions which I chatted about with my nieces was what if anything happens when you die. The feeling was that there is nothing, that the body dies and that's the end. My own reaction listening to this was interesting in that I felt my body react but then I thought. How deeply did I think about any of these questions when I was 15 and 16 and the truth was not much. When I was this age I was in a catholic boarding school and because I was so lonely because of being bullied I turned to something higher than me for comfort. How to write about this in a way which can be understood is a source of continual frustration for me. It's like since that time in boarding school I can be alone and yet never be lonely. I have a connection with something that I have not got the words to describe.

My cousin who was meant to be coming over to stay with me in London this week called to see how everything was. She said something to me which is both a source of comfort and of frustration. She said that there was an 'innocence' about me which is lovely. These words brought tears to my eyes because I feel that as I get older I get more childlike and less of an adult and it frightens me. This is very much the consciousness of the right brain. It is the consciousness that sees the beauty in nature, that only sees the soul of people and unity and not the personaliy that is such a source of division and separation. It is the consciousness that prefers the company of children and young people. It is the consciousness that feels anxiety in an adult world. To have the complete acceptance by my cousin for who and what I am is such a wonderful feeling.

I finished the phone call feeling much happier. I left my mum to come into the nearest town that provides an Internet service. I was offered the use of the Internet services by my nieces which was kind of them. The purpose of this blog though is to write with distance. I am writing this blog as a spiritual diary where everything that happens is part of my spiritual journey. It is a spiritual journey that we are all on as humans. I am choosing to make this record public which is scary. Most diaries of this kind only emerge when the person dies. I am very much living and so there is a huge risk in what I do. But when I analyse this further. What is the risk. It is the risk of not looking good to those who read it but what is this only ego and personality and I have committed to a spiritual journey which is the triumph of the soul over the personality. So every time I sit to write and experience fear and the negative inner voice telling me all the reasons why I shouldn't write it and push through the fear and write it it is a triumph for my soul over the personality.....

I'm off home now to enjoy the Heineken I have in the fridge in front of a roaring open fire....