Tuesday, 23 October 2007

Things hidden from my view

Work was a strange place yesterday. I had gone in fired up with wanting to inspire people to come and find out about the work of transformation and I was met by such a lack of interest that I suddenly started to have pain in my foot. This was amazing. I have never had pain in my foot. It seemed to be as a direct response to my disappointment that people didn't see the power of transformation and want it for themselves. I have often read that turbulence in the mind can often reflect itself in the body. I am incredibly healthy, never sick and so I never thought very much about this. The sudden, searing and then nagging pain I felt when my mind was unsettled and disappointed seemed to reflect itself in the most vulnerable part of my body at the moment. My foot. I realised that I was attached to wanting those that I spoke to about the work of transformation to see what it would make possible for themselves and go and get it. When I didn't get the result I wanted I felt disappointment which reflected itself in the body.

To be effective in this field I realise that I must be committed and not attached. I thought I was committed. What I realise from the depth of disappointment I felt when there was little interest shown is that I am attached. This deception was hidden from my view. I can always know the difference when I am committed and attached. With attachment there is a bodily reaction, I feel it like a kick in the stomach when I don't get what I want. With commitment there is no bodily reaction when the answer is 'no'. I was so attached and the turbulence in my mind reflected itself in my body.

The only saving grace from all of this was the beautiful changes in the sky and the view from my window at work. I really wish I was a creative writer and could do justice to the beauty that I saw yesterday. From the sun rising majestically from beneath the cloud. Those moments when a light illuminates but the source is not seen. There is just this golden brilliance. And then the sun appears. I remember when I used to get up at 6am when I was in India and sit at the Ganges in Varanasi and watch the sun rise. It was so powerful. Sitting there and then out of nowhere comes the sun. These mornings were so special to me. I had a little reminder of all of this yesterday and I was so grateful.

I was glad when the day was over at work. As days go it wasn't bad but there was a restlessness in me that I couldn't put my finger on. I was more aware of of my operated foot today than I have been since the operation. I left work and made my way to the venue where I was to evaluate a speech at my toastmasters public speaking club. The venue was a rowing club down by the Thames and I deliberately got there early so that I could walk along the Thames towpath and spend some time with the stillness of water. Once I got here and allowed myself to drink in the beauty of the trees silhouetted on the water I experienced the deepest peace and calm. Out there the world can and often is a confusing place for me. But when I come to nature. I respond to its stillness and it calms my turbulent mind.

I went into the venue and the evening started. There was a great atmosphere and energy. Here there was a unity of consciousness because everyone is there with the same intention. This is to be a better public speaker. A shared intention makes for a powerful evening. The first half of the evening is called 'table topics'. This is where a topic for conversation is given to someone and he/she has to speak on it impromptu for up to a minute and a half. Each speaker is then evaluated by a topics evaluator. The second half of the evening is the prepared speeches. I was evaluating a woman's number 6 speech. This is all about vocal variety.

She gave a good speech about her garden and all the animals in it. This made it easy for me to remember the parts of her speech and comment on the different vocal variety she used for each part. At one point I looked down at all the people as I was giving this evaluation and they all looked so attentive. It gave me such a great feeling and at that moment I realised that my foot was no longer hurting. It had got so bad earlier that I had seriously thought of cancelling the evaluation. But I had given my word that I would do it and so in spite of how I felt I went. I know that I am not my feeling, I have feelings but they are not who I am and so I don't have to give into them every time. I am powerful when I put keeping my integrity before indulging my feelings.

There is a ribbon for the best speaker and best evaluator. I didn't win the ribbon for the best evaluator. I watched myself carefully when the name for the best evaluator came out and when it wasn't me was delighted that there was no bodily reaction to this. I was absolutely fine. Very different to when I was sharing myself and transformation and people weren't inspired. That created a strong bodily reaction in me. I realise now that it is probably this attachment that probably came across and not commitment which is why little interest was shown.

After the evening the woman who runs the publishing company that has my book came up to me and said that she had the publication of my book 'Journey to Self' as her first priority after Christmas. This surprised me because I was led to believe that she wanted to publish a number of books that would have more market appeal than mine so it came as a bit of a shock. I know also that I have to do more work on it to get it ready for publication and the issue of time came into my mind. It was a strange thing to be told given the frame of mind that I had been in.

My inability to touch, move and inspire people to take on the game of transformation for themselves had seriously made me question what I am doing it all for. I have seen the results first-hand and as a result am passionate about what working on yourself and discovering the things that are hidden from our view makes possible. But I seem to be alone in seeing this potential. I was still troubled about this and I opened the Course of Miracles which I am re-reading for the second time and I came across a sentence on innocence. For many things I respond slowly or not at all, does that make me innocent or naive. There is definitely one or other of these qualities strong in my make up. The Course in Miracles says about innocence 'Innocence is not a partial attribute. It is not real until it is total. The partly innocent are apt to be foolish at times. It is not until their innocence becomes a viewpoint with universal application that it becomes wisdom'

I understand this. Two things struck me about this sentence. One is about the partial innocence and how this cannot move and inspire. The other is that the things I write about there is no agreement for in the world. There is agreement for analysing spiritual literature and producing books to simplify the Truth contained in these and make them more palatable for today's world. But there is no agreement to shine a torch on the nature of our make-up in our design as Homo Sapients (Human). There is no agreement for and this is why I am feeling like a bird trapped in a cage. I'm trying to dissolve the bars of the cage of human so that the spiritual bird can fly.

I wrote in my blog on Monday morning about a sense of foreboding that I have about this week. This hasn't gone away but then again I haven't brought into existence the way of being that I had when I went for my operation. This was fun and freedom. Now I'm back at work I've hardly thought of it all and as a result all of the fun and freedom seems to have gone out of my life. Wow....well I'm going to bring it right back starting from this blog entry this morning and today I am going to have fun and freedom. The shift now in my mind is simply amazing. To be honest I found it hard to get up to write this this morning. I really didn't want to. The mobile alarm went off and I turned it off and went back to bed. After an hour I woke up naturally. My intuition knows that if I write and publish the blog entry before 8am my time that it registers as yesterday's entry. So I gave myself enough time to get up and write a decent amount.

But now that I have once again brought into being my possibility I feel so much better and ready for the day. To invoke a way of being that is empowering and powerful requires thought attention and effort. It will never come naturally. It is the quality of the last thought at night that determines the quality of consciousness that we wake up with. My last thoughts before I dropped off to sleep last night were troubled and as a result I woke up troubled this morning. Had I remembered my possibility and brought it into being then it would have been different. But I didn't remember and until I did had to experience how life was without a powerful and empowering possibility.

The difference to how I am finishing this blog entry compared to how I started it is testament to what can be achieved by simply shifting a way of being......

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