Saturday, 20 October 2007

When the rug is pulled......

Today has been such a strange day. I'm writing this blog now because I am going to the rugby and am going to sleep tomorrow morning so this will be it for the day. I was aware that I was restless. I walked down to the post office to post the present to my niece for her birthday. I love my nieces and nephew so much, they are great and make my going home to Ireland so much richer.

On my way back home I had the idea to stop in at some friends of my parents and tell them about the stroke that my Dad recently had. They had a lovely welcome for me. Then the woman said 'it was lovely to see your brother and your wife when they called to see us last month'. I was so shocked that they would come over and not contact me when I was living only a short walk from where these people lived. I tried to stop myself from being too upset by saying to myself 'just deal with what happened' don't let all the hurt and upset take you over. I think I managed it but it was difficult with tears stinging at the back of my eyes threatening to fall. Once I got home I thought about my options. I could sit here getting upset and making it mean all kinds of things or I could phone my sister-in-law who I have always got on well with and ask her why she didn't contact me.

I decided to phone her to ask her. I was honest and told her that I knew from friends that her and my brother were over in London and I was upset that I didn't know. It turns out that it was my brother's wifes 40th birthday and my brother brought her to London for the weekend. They decided not to contact any family. My brother's wife has a brother in Croydon. Once I heard this I was perfectly OK. I have learned my lesson of not going direct to the person concerned when something happens that is upsetting. If I hadn't done this I would have some story about her not liking me. This is what then would be present the next time we would meet. And with me running that story when I saw her, how much communication and connection would be present? The truth is not a lot. I was honest with her and told her that if I hadn't contacted her that I would have thought that she did not want to have any contact.

From this I learned how important it is to establish the facts of a situation. Not establishing the facts is fertile ground for a meaning to be given which is then taken as the Truth. It is the meaning we put on events and not the events themselves that cause us to suffer. After the conversation I was drained but very relieved. I waited then for a man to come to give me an estimate for opening up a boarded fireplace so I can have a gas fire for the winter. I had explained that I needed to leave the flat to be at my agreeement. He said he would call me if he was going to be late. He was late and I didn't receive a phone call. Why do people say they will do something and not do it. This has to be the most frustrating thing for me.

I phoned him and left a message saying in the absence of any message from him telling me that he was going to be late that I had left for the appointment he knew I had to go to. I ended up also saying a bit about his lack of integrity which when I put the phone down knew had come direct from the frustration of my ego personality and not my soul. I arrived at my agreement and settled down to making the phone calls. How different it was making the calls today compared to last night. Maybe I was still upset with the workman that didn't turn up when he said he would but most of the phone calls were terrible. I paid the price when a lady phoned up to complain about me. I remember the call. The lady did not want to talk and said that she was very stressed and all I wanted to do then was to let her be. This is what I did but I never asked her if there was another time that would be more convenient for her to call to speak to her. Her experience of me was that I rushed her.

I was devastated but I immediately saw why it had happened. The success of the calls last night had inflated my ego. I returned home last night thinking that I was the most powerful person in the field of transformation. I am always and ever punished when this thinking gets a grip of me. Today I was brought back down to earth. The result is that I am now going to be given training in how to speak to people on the phone. Sitting there being grilled by these two women (I have from an early age rebelled against women in authority) I saw how I was completely responsible for the breakdown in communication. I got really upset that this woman who was already stressed was now even more stressed as a result of a conversation with me.

I was so scared to pick up the phone to make another call until I get the training that I left the assisting agreement. It would be so easy for me to cancel this agreement completely but to do this is to run away. This is just another example of the batttle of the ego with the soul and I will see it through. In the past I would have cancelled the agreement. I would have justified cancellling it with all kinds of excuses. For some reason this time I won't. I will take the training with humility and gratitude and as a result of it I will emerge a stronger, kinder and more compassionate person. Today when all these allegations about the way I was being were thrown at me I took it without defending myself once. I promised to contact the manager on Monday and request this training before the next agreement session.

As I write this I feel so tired and drained. It's very tempting to just go to bed and cry my eyes out with sheer self-pity. But I won't. I will dust myself down and go out and watch England secure victory in the Rugby world cup final. I can't wait to have a cold lager either. Lager doesn't answer back and it always hits the spot which is exactly what I need right now. All this turbulence proves to me though that there is some great change being geared up for. Today a story emerged that Dr Kelly who exposed the Governments 'sexed up' Iraq dossier, did not commit suicide but was killed to stop him making further revelations about the lies that took Britain to war. I think that there is more of this kind of thing to emerge. The shift to the next kingdom can only come when all the alleged cover-ups have been exposed. There can be nothing left hidden.

When all of that has been completed then the fundamental event that will shift the consciousness from the human to the spiritual will occur. It is only my view and I have no proof but I feel that the extinction of the dinosaurs marked the end of the animal kingdom and the beginning of the human kingdom. I don't see anything as traumatic as that happening as the human transforms to the spiritual but there is definitely some preparation for a shift. This is why everything seems so turbulent and there is an uncertainty about things that were felt to be certain. In many circumstances the rug of certainty is being pulled away ruthlessly leaving a sense of bewilderment and confusion.

In the midst of all of this it is so important to keep your nerve. It is steadiness of temperament and character which is going to be important in the years to roll on the rugby...

No comments: