Thursday, 18 October 2007

When human and spiritual collide......

I felt so good when I had finished writing my blog so early in the morning yesterday that I have decided (computer co-operating) to write it in the early hours of the morning every morning. So it is now 6am. I should have been writing it earlier but I had (you've guessed it, computer problems which I will speak about later.

I read some more of The Course in Miracles that I spoke about. I am grateful to my cousin because she kept speaking about it. This has prompted me to re-visit it. There is no doubting the power of this text. What gives it its power. It is chanelled which means that the writers wrote the words down from an inner dictation. A bit like the inner voice I have but with many more words than mine. I have read lots of channelled writings because they resonate most deeply with me and I recognise the truth of the words. It is the mechanism I am uneasy with. I like to feel that I am in control of my consciousness and what comes through it. What I see now is that the Course in Miracles is channelled writings from the son of God. that came to the two authors of the book. This is how this text is different to the channelled texts of Alice Bailey, Jane Roberts, Neale Donald Walsch.

I read some of the text and was amazed at how differently I understood it compared to the first time I read it. That time if I am to be honest much of it went over my head. With these mew and improved understandings I congratulated myself on coming so far spiritually! I should have known better. At any sign of ego inflation on my part the universe gives me a jolt to show me that I'm not so spiritual. This jolt came in two ways. It came firstly in the agitation that was in my mind when I texted the guy from the gym and I didn't get a response. I had called him shortly after I returned to London and he had agreed to come around to give an estimate for some work I wanted done. He was to phone to arrange a time. Suddenly what was a calm and spiritual mind became oh so human. Thoughts in my mind mirrored were frenetic my body felt stressed. Where was the spiritual calm now. It is times like this that I see just how much I have to learn. It is easy to be spiritual when one hides away from life like I have done for much of it. It's not pleasant being ruthlessly shown just how non-spiritual I am when I think that I am.

At work today I saw also how the way I am is so different to the others at work. Jokes are said and often I don't get them and then it's noticed and it's all embarassing. Yet I know I'm not stupid and I can write about things that not many can. But when it comes to normal everyday things then I am lost. Today in my work bay I was having a serious conversation with the guys who work with me about our school days. One of the guys said that he went to a Quaker school. I was really interested in this and then another guy said 'were you fed lots of porridge'. I was completely blank which the guys saw and took great delight in. It took me a few minutes to realise that what they were referring to was the Quaker porridge oats cereal...aagh....this is just terrible. Why can't I be as quick as everyone else. It's like I get so focused on what is being said that when the subject changes quickly I get left behind. It is at times like this that I long for the company of children. The adult world so often confuses me. I feel that this is all down to my right brain consciousness.

Luckily soon after that the conversation ended and I turned back to my desk to do some work but I was frustrated and angry at myself. Before I went for my operation I had compiled detailed handover notes to give to my colleagues who were covering for me. When I came back I didn't think about getting them back. Mid afternoon I had a strong urge to get then back from one person. I phoned him and explained that I now needed them back. He was astonished and said that he knew nothing about these notes. I was amazed at how quickly I got angry that all of my work had been wasted. The notes were supposed to have been given to him by someone else. This person and me have a history. When I first came to work I was assigned to her and from day one we did not get on. I felt bullied by her. The last straw came when she threw a biscuit tin at me! (luckily it was empty). I had a meeting with the manager but that was worse than useless. Thankfully though on the next re-organisation I was moved to work in a different team. I haven't held a grudge and have always been polite to her.

What I discovered is that she was given the handover notes to photocopy and she sat on them for four weeks! The impact of this on the man who was taking over my committees meant that he was working totally in the dark. This to me was completely unacceptable and I was livid. This time my training about just dealing with the facts was useless. The facts were that she was given work and didn't do it. What I saw was that she saw the work was for me and deliberately sat on it hoping that it would cause problems for me. At this instant the human and spiritual collided and the spiritual went. Forget about seeing her Soul all I saw was a vindictive evil personality..very spiritual I know!. Boiling with rage I found my boss and she was so surprised to see me as angry as I was and said this was unusual. Why had everything suddenly desserted me, my calmness, objectivity, reason. My story about everything she had done to me in the past took centre stage and I couldn't see beyond it. My boss is great and went through all of the options for what could have happened. I ended up telling her about my past experiences when I was working with this woman. It was a long time ago and I couldn't believe that it was still as raw for me as it was. Here I am writing about forgiveness and its power and I hadn't forgiven this woman for the misery she made for me when we worked together, what a hypocrite I am.

In the cold light of this morning I am a bit calmer. Yesterday evening I was going to HR and she was going to suffer. Today even though my mind is still in complete turmoil I'm going to wait and decide what I will do when I know the facts about how the work was not done and given to the man covering the work of my committees. Now I understood his sharpness to me when I thanked him for covering the work for me. He thought that I had dumped him in it without any guidance notes for what to do while I was away and was understandably pissed off.

Driving home I was still fired up. I stopped off at the garage to get petrol and while inside managed to lose both the car keys and my mobile. I find that when my mind is agitated that nothing in the world goes right and my mind was incredibly agitated. I knew that it wasn't a good frame of mind for the guy from the gym to come to visit but I didn't want to cancel him. In fact he was the person I most wanted to see. I breathed a sigh of relief when I got the car home and parked it safely.

The guy from the gym had replied to a text I had sent him saying that he would come at around 7. He said 7'ish so I knew that it wasn't going to be dead on 7. I have more freedom than someone being specific and saying 7. When someone is specific in saying something and then they don't do it, I get irrate. Integrity is so important to me because I understand its power. I get frustrated when I don't see the same integrity in others. This is judgemental of me I understand that. I can't expect others to live by my standards. This is another area where the human and spiritual collide. The spiritual responds to and grows with integrity. The human wants nothing to do with integrity. For the human integrity is a chore and a bind, for the spiritual it is paramount.

It was coming up to 8pm and then the mind started 'is 7'ish more 8?' ..more turbulence. I watched all of the turbulence happening in my mind like an interested observer. The 'I' was watching 'me' being irritated and upset. Yet the 'I' couldn't take away the irritation and upset. Then my mobile went and it was him saying that he was stuck in traffic. The relief was tremendous. Now it didn't matter what time he came he had called to say that he was late. Now my mind was calm. But this is ridiculous. The whole purpose of being spiritual is to have a mind that is steady in the face of upset. To be able to deal with everything in a calm and harmonious manner all of that went totally out of the window. Because of that I feel like such a spiritual fraud. I write one thing and then behave totally differently.

He finally arrived, as gorgeous as I remembered. We chatted about the work I wanted to have done here and then opened a bottle of wine! I felt closer to him than I had before but once again my men-guards that I have written about rose from their slumber and distorted things I wanted to say, or I would forget mid-way through saying something what it was I wanted to say. I accept now that I make a better friend or maybe it is when someone considers you a friend first that they have more respect for you than someone they meet in a bar in an evening. I don't know. I was telling him about how different I feel and react to things and I used the example of the guys at work and how I don't 'get' things. He said that it was because of 'naivety'..I really hate that word. I don't want to be naive. All it leaves me is upset and confused when such naivety is exposed to the world. Naive to me is on a par with 'nice'. But how do I become less naive. My worry is that as I get older given my belief that I operate from a right brain consciousness that I am going to become more naive and childlike and not less. I see this happening in that I was more clued up and savvy when I was younger than I am now. When he left I felt down and angry at myself....more turbulence in the mind.

When I got up early to write this blog I turned on the computer...error message....restart..blah..blah. No..I really didn't need this. I turned it off and turned it back on willing with everything I had for the thing to work. Nothing....angry, frustrated, the full gamut of human emotions and feelings were there. I went back to bed but couldn't sleep. What was nagging me was that I had said in my blog yesterday that if the computer hadn't worked I would have gone into work extremely early to write the blog to keep my integrity. Lying in bed those words seemed to mock me because it looked like that this was what I would now have to do. I got out of bed and thought 'let me try this computer one more time' I had it all packed away, the cable and other bits ready to bring to the repair shop. I put everything back together and waited with bated breath. My heart sank when I saw the familiar black screen with the error and without much hope started the fix-it option. I had done this so many times this morning without any success. But this time I couldn't believe it when it started up and I was able to write. From now on though I am going to bring home my own computer as a back-up.

When I read back over this blog post in the future I know that it's not one that I'm going to be the proudest of but it's one which for me has shown me how awful it is when the human and spiritual collide in the way it did for me yesterday and last night. What I realise is that it is easy to be spiritual when you don't really engage with life. It is when you meet people who are able to act as triggers to bring out aspects of yourself that are not so pleasant or are confusing that the real learning and training begins. It is this that I resist most. It is these kind of people that are the real teachers and guides because they show up what is hidden.

I'm going to do my assisting agreement this evening and also tomorrow. This evening because I missed last Saturday due to being in Ireland and to restore my integrity I am going to do 3 hours this evening. I am looking forward to it because I am a bit exhausted with the 'me' that is human. I think my 'I' that is my soul is overworked and fed up and wants some time out. So to forget about me for three hours and connect with others to hear what magic and miracles are happening in their lives is just the solace I need now.

Take it from this's not pleasant when the human and spiritual collide.....the cosmic battle rages on. Now I'm going to get ready for work and hopefully a day where I can hide my naivety a bit better than I did yesterday or last night!

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