Monday, 22 October 2007

When trapped energy becomes freed.....

It's 4.45am and I am writing my blog because I was out late last night at my seminar. It was really great to be back with everyone. Since I realised that I make being fit and having self-control around food significant and meaningful and have given it up I have not comfort eaten for the last two weeks! This is simply amazing for me because finding comfort in food when I am upset and stressed has been what I have done since I was 12. What I am finding now is that all of the energy that was trapped in that destructive cycle of comfort eating and then feeling really bad and horrible about myself has all been freed. As a result I have lots more energy and vitality and now see food in a healthy way. My relationship to food is now for the first time in my life a healthy one. This is a miracle to me.

This seminar is phenomenallly powerful for me because it is showing me what is inherent in the design of human and therefore what will always be there. So qualities like resistance, the human mechanism for existing and surviving, the making things significant and meaningful, these are inherent in the design of human. So I should not be surprised or consider myself a weak person because I experience them as a struggle. This is as it should be. By understanding all of this I am coming to accept that what I have always resisted and wanted to change. It is that wanting to change and be different that which can't given the design that had trapped so much energy. Energy that has now become free for me to use in whatever ways I want.

I always know when something I hear is a message for me from the universe because I hear it and my mind becomes completely absorbed in it. There are no other thoughts or distractions. Last night I heard that as a human I am characterised with concerns for survival and being driven. Concerns that are solely about me. Immediately I saw how all of my concerns for being fit and having self-control over my food is all about me. It's concern for me looking good in front of others. Me looking good so that I can dominate. insight was simply amazing. It went to the very heart of me. I saw how if I gave up being fit and having well-being solely for myself and used being fit to play a big game in contribution and service to others that I can be powerful.

Last night I understood an intuitive truth I have always known. That when I make my life about myself and my own concerns, I have no power. Power only comes when I create a concern that involves being of contribution and service to others. This was so amazing for me and is one of the reason why I am such a stand for this work. This work brings out of the darkness into the light the things that are hidden from our view. They are hidden because they conflict with the design of human. As a result they are hidden and all attempts to bring them into the light of consciousness are violently resisted.

I know that every insight I have like this shifts my consciousness so that I see and understand more than I did. I know there are people reading this blog and knowing this inspires me to keep it going when I sometimes feel unsure of its use or benefit. I am going to give the web addresss for the organisation that runs this seminar I am currently doing. On their website is a video introduction. It's a great introduction to this training and gives a flavour of how the training is done. It's I am a real stand for this work. How could I not be when it's given me so many breakthroughs. Last night I gave up all of the concerns I had about being fit as looking good for others. In that space of nothing that is there when significance and meaning are given up I was reminded of the difference between being effective and being a Master. Mastery is my game now that all of the energy that was trapped in negative thought patterns around my own self-control around food has been freed. I am aware that the route to mastery is going to be tougher and the training harder. But this is my game. It is what I am passionate about.

It was tough being at work yesterday. I'm aware that all of this freed energy has made me restless. My boss took me aside and gave me an explanation for why some handover notes for a colleague to aid him in covering my work while I was away sat on a desk without being given to him and I agreed to let the matter drop. I have been given so much that to pursue something so petty would be extremely ungrateful. So I have done the opposite. Yesterday I went and bought a thank you card which I will sign and give to her. She showed me something very important in myself. She showed me that there was still some unresolved issue there on my part that was quick to come to the surface when something triggered it. This was a huge learning for me and for that she deserves a thank you card.

I feel as I write this that I am at the beginning of something important. My game is mastery not effectivenes. Anyone can be effective given the right tools. Mastery is something different. It is allowing myself to be used by something for a greater purpose....this is both scary and exciting.

This evening will be my first test. I am evaluating a speech at toastmasters. This involves me listening to a speech and then evaluating if for up to three minutes. The evaluation must cover, what was effective in the speech, what the speaker could have done to make it more effective and then what made the speech work. It's such an interesting evening because there are normally four speakers and four evaluators and it's so interesting hearing how other people evaluate speeches. Words are so powerful when they are put together well in a sentence. It has been a while since I have evaluated a speech so am looking forward to it. Afterwards we all gather in the bar and talk about the evening. The venue for the evening is in a room that overlooks the Thames so if the evening is dry it will be a beautiful Thames walk.

I guess I had better get ready for work.....another day in an environment which is not for me. My dilemma is that I have to stay long enough to have the operation on my other foot which I am going to schedule for early next year. Until then I am going to play a game where I don't make work and being serious and committed mean so much...let's see if any trapped energy becomes freed as a result of letting go significance at work..... It appears paradoxical in that if I don't make things significant, it means that I don't care. I have found the opposite to be the case in that I care but it's no big deal anymore if it breaks down. How freeing is that.....

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